Trust Suckers and Trust Blowers

A person can be either a Trust Sucker or a Trust Blower.

A Trust Sucker functions exactly how you would expect. Trust is sucked right out of you over time. Maybe it’s through belittling, embarrassment, manipulation, non-shared values as to what is public vs. private information, or repeated poor judgment. It feels like air is being pumped out of your lungs and you are left gasping for breath. The sucker sucks because of what he or she needs, not because of what you are doing or not doing. My theory is trust suckers feel very alone and are unhappy with the success, independence, closeness, or whatever it is that someone else has that they do not.

Trust Blowers are the polar opposites of the suckers. Just as you feel emotionally spent after being with a sucker but may not realize exactly why, you feel differently after being in the company of a blower. Blowers send supportive, positive, and uplifting energy your way. Inhaling is easy. They truly want what is best for you. There is an overwhelming feeling of safety with blowers. They are easy to trust because you know a confidence will stay confidential.

I need to dwell with the blowers as someone living with metastatic breast cancer. It’s about not spending essential energy on people or situations that don’t serve my best health. It’s about taking care of myself and not trying to fix someone else. It’s about feeling loved and trusting myself. I don’t have the energy to waste on someone I can’t trust.

I am extremely cautious about whom I trust in my personal life. As I age, I’ve gotten better at reading people and being able to discern whether to trust a person or not. In general, I use the following as guidelines to help make decisions:

  1. Does the person share private information about others when it isn’t their place to share? Someone who talks a lot about others is likely blabbing about me.
  2. Does the person remember what I’ve shared or take an interest in my life? Or are this person’s actions usually self-serving? Why does it matter? Self-serving people will not care when they break a trust because they lack compassion and empathy. They will not think they did anything wrong and that you are the one making too big of deal of things.
  3. Is the person a giver or a taker? Givers have others’ interests at heart. Takers take and move on to the next opportunity.

Cancer has messed with my ability to trust. Before I was diagnosed, I trusted I would remain healthy and be able to work until a normal retirement age. I trusted annual mammograms and results from ultrasounds. When I went on leave, I trusted that the long-term disability company that my school district contracted with was looking out for my best interest. I now feel the goal of this company was to get me on social security disability income so they wouldn’t have to pay as much. I’ve trusted scan results and later received information that contradicted those facts. Facts aren’t up to interpretation.

There are days where I don’t even trust myself.

I’ve struggled trusting medical information. Sometimes I want to scream at the medical world just as I often did with education. There have been times where I’ve felt like a problem or a difficult patient, rather than a fellow human being. I only have minimum access to information posted regarding test results and I feel like information is being hidden from me when I ask for more. It’s my body and I have right to know. I didn’t lie in a scanner for two hours because it was fun. I do better with more information but it is a balance as too much overwhelms me. Then there have been times where I have felt I was not liked. It’s hard to entrust your care to someone when you feel that someone doesn’t care.

One recent instant surrounds a recent cancer medication I took. I had been told it was important to take it consistently in the morning at around the same time for best results. This is true for most medication. However, this apparently didn’t hold true on treatment days because it was more important to make sure labs were all good. It would be okay to take said drug in the afternoon on those days. I had to keep a patient diary to provide data for a study I was involved with on when I took it, what dose, and its side effects. I took the diary seriously. Months later I was told that no one cared when I took the med by the nurse who collected the data. Even while I stared at this person in disbelief, I told myself I would take it in the mornings even on treatment days if no one cared.

I cared.

I still have diaries that haven’t been collected because I am not on that drug any longer and I no longer have contact with this nurse. How important could this data be? What was entered in its place? Was anything entered? I also still have a one to two month supply of this drug that I was supposed to return when I moved off the study. I haven’t been asked to do so since this nurse hasn’t come knocking for it.

Guess who doesn’t care now?

I’m not going out of my way to return any of it. Chalk it up to medical protocols and schedules in the life of COVID. There are more important things our health professionals need to deal with other than my patient diary and unused pills. Yet, I can’t help but question developments in my patient experience when scenarios like this unfold over time. Details deemed important one day were discarded the next. The inconsistency still surprises me.

Trust matters in a patient doctor relationship. I try hard to trust my oncologist, other doctors, and nurses. I do most of the time. I am not the same patient I was at the start of my metastatic cancer diagnosis. I will speak up. I will ask questions. I will disagree. I will persist and ask again if a question goes unanswered. This may not be a matter of distrust as much as needing information so I understand.

I am part of the team.

I expect to walk together.

I won’t follow blindly.

Trust is built over time and is a strong foundation for solid relationships. I will always look for the blowers rather than the suckers in my life whether it’s personally or medically. Whenever there is uncertainty, and there is plenty of uncertainty, I want people I trust with me so we can walk together.

Giant’s Ladder

Trust must fill the place vacated by the absence of fear.

Since I’m not traveling over the summer due to COVID-19, I am reminiscing about former vacations. My memories take me again back to Miraval.

Giant’s Ladder was another challenge activity in my Arizona getaway. It was described as integrating trust, balance, and cooperation as you climbed a giant ladder that was forty feet high. Participants were also told it was the most physically demanding of the challenge activities offered. It sure was. The eight rungs of the ladder were spaced anywhere from four to six feet apart. In my opinion, most of them were more on the six feet apart end of things. Only the first level was truly manageable. At least for me.

I partnered up with a woman who also traveled alone who had a background in education. Mallory was in the music department at Northwestern University. You could do the activity alone, and apparently there had been people who got to the top on their own, but I don’t see how that could happen. My perspective was lacking in this area. I definitely needed a partner in order to make the smallest of progress on the ladder.

The two of us did an outstanding job of communicating, working as a team, and problem solving. I wasn’t worried about not trusting her, or falling, or balance either. The harness was so secure. The team who belayed the climbers from solid ground below always were poised and ready the entire time to release rope and pick up slack.

I was safer than gold in Fort Knox.

Feeling safe is a huge component of trust.

Without safety, there is fear. I think back to a few moments in my life where I have felt physically unsafe. Fortunately, there have been few of these, but accompanying each has been a terrorizing fear. When I feel safe, I also feel confident whether I am in control of events or not. When I feel safe, there is a prevailing calmness within. When I feel safe, I trust. Safety, confidence, and calmness all attribute to trusting people, situations, and life. In the Giant’s Ladder, I felt safe, confident, and calm. I trusted my partner and the people below who belayed.

The hard part of the challenge was the pure physicality of it. My upper arms got bruised badly, multiple times. The backs of my knees took a beating. I looked very battered the next day. I only made it up about two rungs in the hour that was allotted. Getting to the top would have brought about more lessons in confidence and conquering obstacles. It was the goal, but learning still happened with my limited progress.

People are always there to support me.

People are ready to catch me when I fall.

We all need support. We all fall.

Part of trust is also letting go. You can reread last week’s post on letting go here. Letting go is the bridge between fear and trust. I see this bridge as one of those bridges high above a chasm that sways perilously as I trod carefully across it. Wooden boards are missing underfoot. Rope supports don’t provide much security to my white knuckled hands. The distance to the other side, from fear to trust, is a great divide. But step by step, I scarcely breathe as one foot steps in front of the other. I have to let go to get to the other side.

Metastatic cancer definitely makes me feel unsafe. There have been times where I’ve felt utterly out of control. It takes a lot of reminders that these feelings are just feelings, they are not who I am, and that they will pass. Somewhere there is meaning in all I’ve experienced.

I still have much work to do.

Blogging Anniversary

Happy Anniversary!

Finding A Way – Living with Cancer while Living Well – officially is one year old. I am amazed at how much I’ve written and have grown as a writer. It is a good time to review the year and make goals for moving forward.

In the beginning, I wrote about what I searched for in order to be my best. I sought to find ways to increase my strength and stamina. I wanted to stay motivated and never give up my belief that I am healthy. I planned to lead and live by example. I’ve always searched for purpose and meaning in my life.

I am interested in finding joy, positivity, strength, and hope. Finding A Way involves living with cancer while living well. I wanted to achieve this for myself but also hoped that by writing some of my thoughts and story that I would be able to help others find their way. My intention has always been that anyone reading could come away with something to apply to his or her life whether that person had cancer or not.

Strength and hope are two themes I’ve spent a lot of time on. I suspect they will continue to be common themes for posts. Other themes I plan to explore more deeply are identity, fear, trust, perspectives, and change. I enjoy exploring topics through story, metaphors, and when using narrative lends itself to showing these concepts in action. Using these elements provide a visual hook for me and tends to solidify meaning. I remember things better when I have a story attached or have made a personal connection.

Health and exercise have been and will continue to be repetitive threads in my posts.

Frustrations (and perhaps positive experiences) of my interactions with the medical world as I navigate it from my position as a patient may become more common.

I plan to continue posting positive quotes on Wednesdays to add a bright spot into people’s weeks.

My most viewed post was Stage V and Kardashian Power. I have never watched the reality show or follow them in the news. My intention to live and lead by example and change perceptions, definitions, and conversations around metastatic cancer is still a main goal of mine. I know what the statistics say regarding metastatic breast cancer but I still choose to live with a mindset that has moved past the confining medical constraints and live in expectation with my own. I continue to be surprised at what appeals to people. I find it absolutely hysterical that my most liked post was Exercise and Nutrition. At last count, it had 31 likes. I’m so not an expert.

I don’t feel like I’m an expert in anything. I just write about my feelings and how I’m trying to live well with cancer.

I’ve looked over my posts and have identified some of my favorites. I have many! These are listed below and you may click on any of them if you’d like to look back and reminisce. If you are a new reader, I hope they provide insight into what I write about, how I think, and that you enjoy them. I may repost some of these that I want to highlight again. They are still relevant. There is no need to reinvent the wheel if the wheel I’ve created still rolls well.

Fires, Tigers, and Trees

Why I like Men in Kilts

Tennis and Life: A Resilient Match

Hope, Belief, and A Monthly Planner

Alabama Alligators and Being Normal

Empathy and Cancer

Hiking and Invisible Crutches

When Your Oncologist Leaves

Pelican Lessons

Taking Risks and Ospreys

I plan to continue to write about my life. I invite you to follow along as a subscriber on WordPress by clicking on the gray or blue “Follow” button, or become an email subscriber and receive an email notification whenever I post something new. Please also remember to like a post if you enjoyed it. Comments are always welcomed. I encourage you to leave one. The prompts I provide at the end of some posts are only a guide.

I appreciate you all as readers and taking the time to read my words. Your emotional support means a lot to me. I wish each of you the very best on your search to find a way, as I keep searching for mine.

Find a way.

Always.

Consider responding:

  • What have been favorite posts you’ve enjoyed as a reader?
  • What topics or themes would you like to read about in the future?

Three Lenses to Braving the Wilderness

Living with cancer has given me the opportunity to spend more time reading for enjoyment. It is a welcomed escape. I recently read one of Brené Brown’s books, Braving the Wilderness. In today’s post, I explore this book’s themes from three different lenses.

Lens One: Braving the Wilderness Brené Style

This lens is a basic introduction to the book’s main message. Brené Brown explains that being brave involves being true to yourself. Being brave means bringing life to your story. You are the only one who can do it.

She says you aren’t going to please everyone. Inevitably, it means you can’t be brave and never disappoint anyone. So true.

If you seek the constant approval of others and people pleasing is more important than your own inner happiness, you are not being brave.

There will be criticism with braveness. There will be LOTS of criticism.

There will be great moments of uncertainty because you are standing alone.

There will be vulnerability as you discover all your truths and how you are discovering exactly how you belong.

These sound terrifying. Going through life not knowing yourself is more terrifying. Braving the wilderness means you stand firm when you face the wind and disapproval of others. When you know yourself, you have the courage to stand firm in your beliefs because you know who you are.

To truly belong, you only need to belong to yourself.

That’s the biggest take away for me in the whole book. In a world where belongingness is sought after in almost every interaction and relationship, we all lose sight that the most valuable relationship we have is the one we have with ourselves. The interactions that matter most are the ones directed at how we treat ourselves.

She writes that “true belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are, it requires you to be who you are.”

Belonging is intertwined with I AM.

Lens Two: Braving the Wilderness with Cancer

My opinion and personal interpretation take over with this lens.

Having cancer is a wilderness of its own. Truly belonging to yourself and blending that wilderness with a cancer wilderness is challenging. To own both wildernesses is overwhelming.

I believe if Brené Brown were to speak directly to me, she would say to lean in fully to the loneliness and discomfort of cancer. She would emphasize the need to become vulnerable with it. The personal connection with it would change how I feel about it. At least I think that’s what she’d say.

I also think I’ve had plenty of loneliness, discomfort, and enough of a personal connection with cancer already.

Brené Brown writes a lot about boundaries. The firmer the boundaries, the more respected they will be. It is not okay to be taken advantage of and trampled upon physically or emotionally. You can’t belong to yourself if you are crushed.

Cancer can crush a person as much as someone else can. Being bald makes you look and feel less feminine. Surgeries do the same and you’re left feeling “less than.” Others often confirm it. If you are flat, then you somehow have lost your womanhood. Perceptions around going flat are slowly changing. Treatments take all the oomph out you so there isn’t much energy left for you to object to cancer defining you. Medical labels, side effects, perceptions, and an evolving normal keep shifting. It’s easy for cancer to define someone. It’s much harder to claim belongingness.

Suddenly, you are not you anymore, but the person with cancer. Everyone has a story to share with you because that’s how they attempt to connect with you and now identify with you. It’s important to set boundaries for how you want to be treated.

Firm boundaries support trust. When others respect boundaries, it is safer to trust them. Trust has caused me an ocean of hurt. A lot has become clearer to me in the last few years.

To me, living with cancer and learning to trust more means:

  • I share what I want about my health and expect my privacy to be respected.
  • I do not have to explain or justify my feelings, nor do I need to provide a reason so others understand.
  • I can’t trust a person with the big stuff if someone has betrayed that trust with smaller stuff.
  • I need to feel physically and emotionally safe in order to feel connected to someone.

Strong boundaries enable a person to have more empathy for others. Self-care comes first. Then you know what you can do and not do for others. I still identify as a helper. Taking care of myself first lets me know what time and energy I have available for others.

Living well demands I brave it – it being life – and I’m braving it fiercely these days. The older I get, the more at home I feel in my own skin. I’ve known for some time that my happiness depends on my braving life. I am comfortable with most of the decisions I make. Being brave is both frightening and peaceful at the same time. The uncertainty and vulnerability show up as frightening, but then the acceptance of those parts of my life oddly brings an element of peace.

Lens Three: Braving Well Together

This sounds like an oxymoron if braving the wilderness involves only needing to belong to ourselves and having the courage to stand alone yet firmly in our beliefs and values. The way I see it, there is still room for the support of others who are also being brave. Picture a wilderness scene. I can be standing in my wilderness next to a beautiful mountain lake holding a sign that proclaims my beliefs. Another person can be standing a few feet away near a magnificent tree with a sign that reads entirely different. Part of my wilderness may be accepting and trusting others. This holds challenges for me, but I need to be vulnerable enough to slowly test those waters. The other person may be working on keeping a few more personal thoughts and the confidences of others private. We can give each other the acknowledging head nod to show our support while still recognizing the work is an individual inner process.

The other way I believe we can be brave together is that it’s when we feel alone and are brave that someone else comes along and gives voice that they feel exactly the same way. We may think we are alone, but we are not. It’s very possible that someone was feeling the same way and was beyond grateful to cross paths with someone else giving voice and standing his/her ground in a way they needed. When we are brave on our own, social connections can be found. It’s part of finding your tribe.

Vulnerability has always been tough for me. Honestly, I haven’t always liked Brené Brown’s work. I stopped reading her first book years earlier because I didn’t like what she had to say and I found her too repetitive. Looking back, I wasn’t ready to do some of the work I needed to do.

I still have work to do. LOTS. There is so much I don’t have figured out. I’ve figured out this much: I’ve become more comfortable braving the wilderness.

Consider responding:

  • Have you read any of Brené Brown’s books? What stands out to you?

Trust Your Gut

There is wisdom in the old adage to trust your gut. It tells us when something is off – be it a person, situation, or our bodies. It has been quipped as our second brain and more and more people believe the gut plays a role in our emotional health. I think it’s wise to listen to your gut. I dealt with IBS symptoms for years prior to a cancer diagnosis. Forgive me if I share too much. True, there were trigger foods and emotional triggers that caused issues. I saw many specialists that only ruled things out and never could explain why my stomach and digestion were such a mess. Other than a colonoscopy to rule out colon cancer, no one ever thought cancer was truly at the root. And it may not have been, but my gut was certainly working hard to tell me something was wrong. I made minor changes to my diet, but wound up just trying to control symptoms since I never got a real explanation.

Interestingly, after the diagnosis, the IBS symptoms all but disappeared. Sure, my diet is much different now, but I find it a very interesting correlation. Trust your gut. Perhaps it’s bringing your attention to something physical or emotional. Listen.

I am not a dietician, a nutritionist, or a health coach. I just want to share a few things I’ve learned over the past few years. Please follow-up with research of your own and consulting health professionals before making changes to your diet.

Eating a plant-based diet is one of the easiest ways to naturally change your gut environment. Many fruits, vegetables, and whole grains contain prebiotics that keep the large intestine happy. Plants that are higher in fiber content help the gut. It has something to do with the fructans found in fiber rich foods. Fructans are a type of prebiotic. The higher the fructan level, the happier your gut biome. Fresh, whole foods are the recipe for a healthy gut biome. If you choose fresh fruits, veggies, legumes, beans (pinto, kidney, white), and whole grains, you’ll have it covered. Artichokes, raspberries, and asparagus are also good sources.

Legumes typically are low in fat, have no cholesterol, and contain insoluble and soluble fiber. They are high in potassium, iron, magnesium, and folate. General foods in the legume family are lentils, chickpeas, beans, soybeans, and peanuts. Your gut likes legumes. I personally steer clear of soybeans and therefore any soy products due to associations with estrogen production, but I leave it to individuals to research and make their own decisions regarding soy, beans, and any of the suggestions I may make. What’s right for me may not be right for you. It’s always possible I have misread a fact even though I’ve made every effort to double and triple check.

Beans confuse me. Mark Hyman is the author of Food – What the Heck Should I Eat. He believes beans have benefits, mainly as resistant starches. He says the fiber, minerals, proteins, and other nutrients found in beans can be gotten from other food sources. He also writes that beans are to be avoided if you have cancer. I’m left confused here. There are always conflicting statistics, studies, and recommendations about foods. As stated above, beans can help contribute to a healthy gut. There are times I feel that I’m doomed whatever I eat. I still don’t know what the heck I should eat. Then I slip and have a delicious bowl of ice cream.

Broccoli probably wins the prize for the most beneficial food ever grown. I can’t stand it, but I’ve eaten it diligently. Now, I’m on a bit of a broccoli break. It’s easy enough and you can’t beat all its benefits. It’s just one of the mighty cruciferous vegetables that decrease the risk of several types of cancers (breast, colon, melanoma, pancreatic, and liver) and improves bone health. Cauliflower, kale, turnips, and Brussels sprouts are other cruciferous winners.

I have a lot to learn about whole grains. For those in the gluten-free camp, grains aren’t for you. The great thing about whole grains is they are packed with fiber and carbs. When these make their way to the large intestine, they are broken down there and promote the growth of beneficial bacteria.

Plants rich in polyphenols are also helpful to the gut biome because they decrease inflammation in your gut. Polyphenols actually aren’t absorbed efficiently on their way to the colon, which in this case is a good thing, because it means there are more to be digested by bacteria in your gut. Good sources of polyphenols include blueberries, grape skins, broccoli, and onions. Almonds also are a good source, as well as cocoa and dark chocolate. Finally, no guilt for all the dark chocolate I eat! Red wine and green tea are liquid sources for polyphenols.

There are lots of diets out there claiming to achieve wellness for your body – low carb, no dairy, no gluten, no sugar, no meat, vegan, high protein, high fat, etc. The list goes on and on. Some have merit. I am waiting for the high chocolate diet since dark chocolate has already been established as a very good thing.

Bottom line: Eating a diverse diet that is mostly plants, limited in processed meats, and low in sugar is one that will keep your gut happy and that keeps YOU healthy.

I worked with a naturopath in the fall of 2016. It turns out my gut ecology wasn’t helping my body absorb nutrients even though I had made many diet changes and added supplements to my daily intake. This was less than thrilling news to hear that I’d been getting little if any positive effect from years of faithfully ingesting numerous pharmaceutical grade supplements, not to mention the financial investment involved with that commitment. Apparently, chemotherapy and some medications can drain your body of certain nutrients. The solution was better gut ecology, attained through a plant protein based drink that was dark yellow, thick, and awful tasting. I called it sludge. Strangely enough, I came to count on it as a support. It gave me needed nutrition and repaired my gut. I continue to drink it from time to time since my gut will likely be in need of extra support for a long time.

Gut ecology and health is a burgeoning field of science. No matter what the ailment, it seems improving your gut biome is a place to start recovering better health. Thousands of species of microorganisms make the gut home sweet home. These microbes help maximize nutrient absorption and support digestion. They even can contribute to a better immune system. Both these functions are vital to a stronger, healthier me, so if I need to drink sludge every day, I’ll do it happily, because a body that is functioning creates an environment where cancer cells are not welcome. Healthy bacteria in your gut actually form disease fighting armies. Foods like bananas, broccoli, blueberries, beans, and fermented plant-based foods are natural ways to create this bacteria. I give my gut a boost however I can and also take probiotics.

Michael Pollan is an author and food connoisseur who has taught me a lot about healthier eating. He has three simple rules: Eat Food. Not too much. Mostly plants. For further reading, I recommend In Defense of Food (or any book by him).

Trust keeps coming up over and over again as an underlying thread in many posts. It affects how you relate to yourself, to others, and how you function in the world. Trust affects what you eat and how much you eat. Establishing healthy boundaries has a lot to do with trust. I believe there is a direct cause and effect link between happiness, health, and trust. Examining each of these is a huge topic. For now, I’ll keep it simple with a basic guideline to listen to what your gut has to say. Trust yourself. Trust your gut.

Make A New Door

There is a saying that goes along the lines that a window opens when a door closes. It fits if you’re Maria in The Sound of Music and venturing out of the convent on a new adventure. Otherwise, not so much. I don’t care for it and find it’s misguided. I get the point being made, but the visual doesn’t work for me.

Have you ever tried to walk out a window? I did when I was about ten years old. I held a practice evacuation drill out our dining room window in case other routes were blocked in the event of a fire. It must have been Fire Prevention Week, and well, it was me, talking about my day and being all teacher-like. It was straight forward enough, but climbing out the window is how it happens, not walking. Climbing is more involved than walking. A door closing and a window opening are not equivalent at all.

What about when a window closes? Is opening a gate appropriate? Would you come and go from a skylight? Should you dig a tunnel? No! None of these are equivalent either. They are insane comparisons.

But a door! It closed! What is one to do?

Make a new door . . . a better door.

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Image credit: pixabay.com

I love everything about this door. The ivy growth, fresh green planks, and carved heart are all perfect. This will be the door I take when I need to imagine a new door for myself. Maybe one day I will find it.

I don’t have an issue with new endeavors, but it is just wrong to say that walking through windows is the same as walking through doors. Try an experiment and come and go from your home for a week through a window and see if it’s really the best route. Chances are you’ll get better at climbing in and out of a window, but you might also attract the attention of local officers asking to see your identification.

The better path is to use your strengths and personal power tools to create a new door. Maybe you’ll make several doors and mark them A, B, and C, behind which are potential new opportunities.

My trouble is I sometimes don’t know what the new doors are really about until after I’ve walked through them and figure a few things out. For example, when I took a second year medical leave, the purpose was two-fold. My school district really was trying to make life less stressful for me. Leaving a slim chance of returning to business as usual also didn’t close the teaching door entirely. Strangely enough, when the teaching door closed, it instantly transformed into a retirement door and there I was already, moving step-by-step, and making progress. It was the door I needed in disguise.

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Image credit: pixabay.com

I have worked hard to make new doors for myself. I’m still working on the courage to walk through a couple of them. It’s a work in progress and sometimes a little scary. Courage is a good companion to have at my side.

Reiki is one of the new doors. Newish. I’ve dragged my feet. The door is there all shiny and ready. I’ve used the door but haven’t invited many to join me. It could be just for me. I don’t know yet. The opportunity is there to give and to positively affect others. Don’t get me wrong – I’m still team medicine all the way – there are just many pieces to wellness that can attribute to overall health. My basement transformed itself fairly effortlessly to a Reiki studio through envisioning a new possibility and help from Amazon. I used to think that I needed a strong calling to become a Reiki Master, but now my thoughts are different. If I can have even more energy available for self-healing, I will take it. Refusing a healing opportunity makes no sense. If I can share that with others so that they feel happier and healthier, I am working on that, too.

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Image credit: pixabay.com

Blogging is another new door. It isn’t what I set out to do. It was more of an avenue that I thought would take me someplace else, which is still possible. I’m not blogging because it brings me great recognition or monetary gain. It doesn’t.

It does give me a platform for sharing thoughts and ideas that come from my heart. I’m in it for my heart – that’s why I write.

Realizing this is causing me to reassess my motivation to be represented by an agent. Is that a door I need or am I potentially even happier with my blogging door? Sure, I’d love a little more recognition and visibility. I am excited to see what doors may open and what doors I continue to create for myself through writing.

Staying active is also a new door. It’s never too late to make healthy changes. Having more physical skills would help, but I have more than I used to have. A lot of motivation is needed to keep me focused on fitness. I liken this process to one new door after the other. Every time I experience some modicum of success and feel pretty impressed with myself, I see another door waiting for me. For example, I have very tiny biceps that I can now flex. I am fascinated with them. I can’t do much else with them so I need to keep working. I’m not sure what I see as my next step, but I will figure it out along the way.

There have been hard doors.

Doors of grief and loss.

Doors of changing definitions of normal.

Doors of hard truths.

Doors through which only I can walk.

The door marked cancer has been a doozy. I didn’t make this door or ask for this door. It’s stained with pain, sickness, always something unknown. No narratives, fact sheets, observations, or best guesses even come close to what walking through this door is like. I kind of thought I knew from what I saw my mom go through, but I so did not know. The experience is individualized. No one truly understands, just like I can’t understand another’s experience. Some come close. Empathy and compassion are wonderful supports.

Yet, the hardest times can often lead to the greatest moments in your life. Hard times make and show a person’s character. Who are you when everything really sucks? Sure, I get grumpy and down. Sometimes I cry. But I also try really hard to hold to my core beliefs. My challenges have made me mentally and physically stronger. Supposedly, I have more courage. I’m not sure that’s true. Having cancer doesn’t mark me as an automatic recipient for a badge of courage. Hardly. It doesn’t make me inspirational either. It does make me go through things that many others do not. That’s what I have to offer. Maybe something else emerges from within, but I‘m not so different from anyone else.

Not all doors need to be hard.

Doors of rebirth and renewal.

Doors of love and light.

Doors of hope. I love those doors.

Doors again through which only I can walk.

Trust is huge to walk someplace new.

If one door closes, make all the new doors you need and trust they will be better doors.

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Image credit: pixabay.com