Waiting Rooms

Time passes excruciatingly slowly in waiting rooms. It’s exhausting. The bulk of my oncology visits are spent waiting. At my last visit, I looked around at all the others waiting. Observing who was around me made the minutes pass more quickly.

There was one patient near me wearing a bandana on her head with a mask on. She was on her phone planning a vacation for October because she “should be able to go then” as she told her husband.

Her husband and another woman were working on a jigsaw puzzle. I gathered they already knew one another by the warm hug they shared as a greeting.

Next to me, there was an older man wearing a mask who was there with his wife. Both were reading books.

Another older couple waited. The woman was engrossed in a book and the man had his eyes glued to his phone.

There was another older man there by himself in a rocking chair on his phone. He was called back soon after I began taking stock of the waiting room.

A woman who walked with a cane perhaps in her sixties and her daughter were the next to head back to the treatment area.

There was a man across the room who came in single digit degree weather wearing shorts and donning a camouflaged hat. I think he was the patient.

A woman fidgeted her leg while she flipped through the pages of a magazine. Another older man near her read a book. My assessment was they were waiting for someone but I didn’t have anything solid to form my opinion.

A woman maybe in her late thirties wore a black headwrap with a top knot bun tied in front. Her husband was with her. He looked tired. She looked healthier than he did and my guess was she was the patient.

A senior lady slowly moved about on her own, wisps of gray hair sticking out of a coral crocheted cancer cap. She settled into one of the rockers.

Me.

Alone.

Not everyone came with a caregiver or companion. That observation surprised me because it seems I read or hear so much about caregiver support. I prefer being on my own because my days when I have a full schedule of appointments at the hospital get long and there is no reason for someone else to be with me. I am grateful to be able to manage well by myself when I make trips there on average three weeks out of every month, more during testing windows.

The TV blared an action movie that no one watched. It’s usually news or something claiming to be news on other days.

Sixteen waited by my count. Most were senior citizens. I was not the youngest one. Five were probably in their 30s or 40s. There were ten women and six men. My guess six of the ten women present were likely patients, compared to four of the six men. Three were black. The rest were white. No other groups were visibly represented by my observations.

All of us were waiting.

Waiting for treatment.

We’re waiting for many “nexts” in our lives.

Waiting for good news.

Waiting for the treatment part of the day to be done so we can go home.

Waiting for chemo fog to lift.

Waiting to not feel depressed.

Waiting to not have anxiety.

Waiting for favorite foods to taste good again.

Waiting for our immune systems to be strong once more.

Waiting for tests to be scheduled and completed.

Waiting for test results.

Waiting for more targeted treatments.

Waiting for research that addresses individual mutations for cancer subtypes.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Waiting for phone calls.

Some may be waiting for a final treatment. Not me. Not having an end in sight is the preferred option for my life.

We all are waiting.

Some of us are waiting for the same things and some for different things.

Waiting rooms are spaces where you stay until things change. I have waited and waited and waited in personal waiting rooms of my own making. I have spent time waiting for others to do their part or pull their crap together. Waiting for others is inevitable when you need them in order to move forward with your part of the whole. It’s effective if you’re working as part of a strong team. Not so much if you’re wishing or hoping that someone maybe does something if they remember or have time. Waiting is hard for me because I am a doer.

I don’t like waiting and sometimes that’s the only thing left to do.

I am tired of waiting.

My wait was surprisingly short for this specific treatment visit. The waiting room looked different when it was time for me to leave about an hour later. More seats were filled. It looked like men outnumbered women.

The one factor that remained the same . . .

Everyone was still waiting.

We wait.

Giving

Winston Churchill once said, “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.”

Giving is a common theme this time of year. Thanksgiving and Christmas both remind us to show thanks for the gifts in our lives. Giving is just as meaningful as receiving, perhaps even more so.

Material gifts are one of the first things that many think of when they think of giving. Advertisements of cars tied with giant red bows, glittery diamonds in tiny boxes, and shelves filled with toys or home appliances bombard us nonstop this time of year. These types of gifts cost money regardless of how good of a deal is offered. There is nothing wrong with gifts that cost money.

Giving doesn’t have to cost a lot. I want to focus on these simple and meaningful ways to give. Small gestures can be highly fulfilling. Buying someone a cup of coffee or a cookie works. Bake muffins for an elderly neighbor. Buy mints and leave them anonymously on co-workers’ desks.

Giving doesn’t have to cost anything. Passing along books to the corner little free library gives someone else a book you enjoyed. Bagging up clothes for clothing drives recycles clothes you’ve outgrown and is a great way to declutter. Rake leaves or shovel for someone. Send your child’s teacher a thank you email. If your child is grown, send a thank you to a former teacher. No kids? Find a teacher and thank them anyway.

Some of the gifts I’ve kept as a teacher have been notes and pictures given to me by my students. I’ve kept a few letters from parents, too. They haven’t cost a cent but have high value for me. Cards are special in today’s world of emails and texts. I love getting cards. I equally love sending them. Letting someone know you’re thinking about them is a great gift.

Here are a few other ways to give that are free:

Be emotionally available. Make the time to listen. Don’t try to fix anything. Being supportive is listening – not fixing, micromanaging, or criticizing. Don’t switch the conversation back to you and your life. Just listen. Listening and being emotionally available are gifts to someone.

Time is a gift. Carving out those moments for a standing phone call or favorite activities is time well spent. I love to walk and talk. Nature, exercise, and good company are seldom beat. And yes, I want more time. I have lots I still need to do. The time I’ve been given is priceless. I still want more and always will. Not having time is unfair. I don’t want to waste mine.

After that, it’s time for a joke. Laughter is another type of gift. Here goes: Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play. Continue reading when you’ve stopped laughing (or groaning).

Other ways to give are through volunteering, random acts of kindness, and caring for the environment. I often wonder what would happen if we placed little notes on people’s desks, in mailboxes, in children’s rooms that simply read, “I noticed what you did earlier. Thank you.” Maybe you saw them do nothing, but a little mystery never hurt anyone. Chances are the person would have done one kind thing they could identify. I bet it would make people feel pretty good and have a ripple effect.

A sincere and specific compliment goes a long way. People can sense when someone isn’t being honest. It drives me nuts when someone rattles off what is supposed to be a compliment but doesn’t even look me in the eyes. Nonverbal cues matter. It’s okay if a compliment isn’t reciprocated. You aren’t giving one just to get one. People who don’t receive compliments hopefully still are deserving of them and need to hear them the most. Overworked nurses, grocery checkers, coffee baristas, the person at the drive-through all are people with feelings who may be having a bad day. One kind word, smile, or compliment can turn someone’s day around.

Giving of yourself, your time and your talents, is one of the greatest gifts a person has to give. Teaching has been one of the largest gifts I have had to give in my life. I’d like to think my words are another gift. Cancer has NOT been a gift, let me be absolutely clear on that point. I won’t deny I have been driven to change things that I likely wouldn’t be doing if I wasn’t living with metastatic breast cancer. I am working to make a difference so others like me receive more empathy from providers, patients remain the focus of health care, and that research for metastatic breast cancer receives more funding so that more treatment options are available and more effective for patients. It is a lasting gift I can make possible for others that provides hope.

Many choose to give this time of year through charitable donations. Charitable giving has merit. GIVING TUESDAY IS TUESDAY. There are many worthy charities. Here is my reminder to always ask HOW donated money is being used. Does it go to research? Supporting patients? Programs? Promotional products? Administrative costs? Does the charity support or oppose other causes and beliefs you deem important? If you give money, you have a right to know where it goes. Follow it. If interested, you can give here to UW Carbone where 100% of donations go toward research directed to metastatic breast cancer. Scroll to the bottom of my page to see a video message from me.

Finally, remember to give yourself what you need. I treat myself often because it makes me feel good. It also ensures I get what I want. Care for yourself well. I am no stranger to giving myself what I feel are well-deserved gifts. I take good care of myself in that respect. I will take trips, get massages, buy jewelry, and treat myself to good food. I give myself opportunities to exercise because being as healthy as possible is another gift that no one can give me other than me.

Gifts need to be directed toward something good.

I try to do that.

Winston Churchill’s words ring true today. Giving is how we make a life. I will keep finding a way to make my life by what I give.

Find a way to give. Always.

Lucky Leprechauns and Health

Many years ago, a middle-aged Irish woman started off a bus tour of Killarney and the surrounding area with these words, “When God made time, He made plenty of it.”

If you don’t hear her accent, you’re reading it wrong. Go back and reread it with a lilt that would make a leprechaun jealous. Her words still echo true twenty plus years later.

Too many of us rush around trying to get more and more done, believing that quantity is better than quality. If we could SLOW DOWN a little, we would find there is more than enough time for what truly matters – things like love, joy, learning, and truly working to make the world a better place. At the end of the day, these are the important things. If you feel like you never have enough time, you are trying to do too much. Taking care of yourself and your health may take a back seat. Important things are likely being neglected or pushed off until later. Later never comes. No one can keep doing everything all the time. We need sleep, peace, and joy.

There is plenty of time.

Make changes.

We all have the same number of minutes in a day. If working out is a priority, time opens up for it. If more time is needed to read to or play with your children, you will find it. If you sit watching hours of television or mindlessly checking various social media accounts, well, there goes your time. We all have the same amount. We all use it differently.

I could make more time to clean my home, but I don’t and I don’t care. Not a priority.

I hope I never become allergic to dust.

Slow down.

I believe it’s healthy to slow down. Slowing down lowers stress and increases happiness. How do you do that if you want to slow down a little or a lot? I’ve asked myself these questions:

What is it that I really want to make time for?
Where do I feel like I waste time every day?
How can I make my life easier?
What happens if “x” just doesn’t get done for a day or two?

My answers revealed my priorities. Too much time is wasted on various screens throughout the day. Making a list keeps me more focused. I used to find lists too controlling, but that leads me to the answer to my last question. If something doesn’t get crossed off the list or completed, I really don’t care.

Leprechauns have always struck me as happy, healthy, and lucky. I don’t know how they spend their time, other than mischief-making and making tiny boots. They know a secret the rest of us are trying to learn. The Irish woman giving the Killarney bus tour knew the secret.

Why are leprechauns so happy?

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I think it’s a combination of the whiskey, jigging, and being around so much healing green. I love all three of these, however, these days I’m limited to jigging and loving green things. No worries, I can still channel my “inner whiskey” when I need it. Don’t ask me what I mean by that because I’m not sure. I just do it. Leprechauns also are so small that joy and happiness (and maybe a little mischief) just oozes out because it has no other choice. We all need to have that leprechaun spark ignited within us.

How can we be just as lucky as leprechauns?

Some people are just thought to be luckier than others. I am really lucky at getting awesome parking spaces. But there are things to do to improve your chances. Believing you are lucky increases your chances of getting what you want. It changes your perspective. You become more receptive to opportunities around you. That has the potential to change health opportunities and outcomes. I think the same is true with time. When a person thinks there is no time – there isn’t. When a person thinks there is enough time to do something – somehow time opens up so such and such magically gets done.

I have heard that lucky people are clear on their goals and voice them. A leprechaun is very clear on his goal to hold on to his gold. No fancy or flowery language. I figure a leprechaun has two main goals:

Keep its gold.

Be a leprechaun.

How can I find my gold?

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What is my gold? My health. I need to feed it good food, fuel it with fun exercise, and surround myself with people who love me. I need to make time for what keeps me happy and healthy.

Lucky people also are proactive. They put themselves in settings where what they seek is present. They go to fundraisers to meet doctors and researchers. They go to writing conferences and send query letters to agents and publishers. They audition for plays, sing on “The Voice,” and run for public office. Lucky people talk about their interests and visions. Asking questions is a sign of being proactive because you get answers and make progress. Here I am a little stumped as to how a leprechaun making little shoes and boots all day relates to their goal of protecting their gold. Share a theory if you have one.

My grandma’s ancestors came from Ireland. She always had a twinkle in her eye and personified some of the mischief leprechauns are said to have. Grandma lived until she was 98 years old. I think she knew whatever the Irish woman from the bus tour knew.

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My grandma had more than a twinkle in her eye. She sparkled all over.

The truth of the matter is a leprechaun doesn’t need a pot of gold. He’s never using it. It seems a sign of greed for those who want to steal it. If I ever meet one, I wouldn’t ask for it because I’d be tricked out of it anyway. I wouldn’t even ask for shoes. Instead I’d ask for a bit of healing magic. They are said to be magical and covered from head to toe in green. Green is healing. Healing is golden to me.

So, what have I learned about leprechauning?

  • Green is a wonderful color.
  • Doing a jig is non-stop fun.
  • A leprechaun has plenty of time.
  • We all have plenty of time.
  • A leprechaun is lucky because it believes it’s lucky.
  • It knows what it wants and it is clear on its goals.
  • A leprechaun is proactive.
  • It doesn’t even need its pot of gold.
  • Its gold is found within and that really is what we all are after.
  • We all can be leprechauns.

It seems fitting to end with a traditional Irish blessing:

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face.

May the rains fall soft upon your fields.

And, until we meet again,

May God hold you in

The palm of His hand.

I can’t believe I have to say this, but if you didn’t say the Irish blessing with an Irish accent, you’re still doing it wrong. Go back and do it properly.

And may you make your own luck.

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