I AM

I feel like the last few weeks of my life have been incredibly full and jammed packed. Too much is happening all at the same time. It always happens that way, doesn’t it? I haven’t been able to write a new post for today. Instead, I’m posting a poem I wrote about two months after I was diagnosed in 2012. It still rings true for me. It’s still my voice, my heart, and who I am.

In the original version, the font gradually gets larger and larger as the poem continues. I can’t do that the way I want on WordPress.  If read aloud, my voice gets louder and louder in a slow crescendo. That doesn’t work in this format either. Just sayin’.

If I had to add anything new my writing, I would include that I am a badass.

         I AM

I am not cancer.

I am not my hair.

I am not chemo, surgery, or radiation.

I am not my breasts.

I am not a project.

I am not defeatable.

I am not stoppable.

 

I am AMAZING.

I am NURTURING.

I am SUPPORTIVE.

I am SMART.

I am CLEVER.

I am DETERMINED.

I am POWERFUL.

I am a WINNER.

I am BEAUTIFUL.

I am LOVELY.

I am SEXY.

I am FUNNY.  (Just not at the same time as being sexy. 🤪)

I am FAITHFUL.

I am SPIRITUAL.

I am THOUGHTFUL.

I am UNIQUE.

I am CREATIVE.

I am ORIGINAL.

I am WISE.

I am FUN.

I am SWEET.

I am POSITIVE.

I am UPBEAT.

I am a DAUGHTER.

I am a SISTER.

I am a FRIEND.

I am a TEACHER.

I am a LEARNER.

 

I AM TOUGH.

I AM STRONG.

I AM A FORCE.

I AM A SURVIVOR.

I AM JOY.

I AM LIGHT.

I AM PEACE.

I AM KIND.

I AM LOVED.

I AM GRATEFUL.

I AM BLESSED.

I AM IN LOVE WITH LIFE.

 

A Day Off

Waking up to sunshine

feels good.

My soul is warm

from sleep.

I am rested.

I was away from cancer

if only in my dreams.

 

What would a day,

an honest to goodness

waking day,

be like away from cancer?

 

No lab numbers to think about.

No office visits

or treatments.

No waiting rooms

with the

disquieting

discomfort

that there are so many others

quietly waiting

and doing what I do

regularly.

 

No appointments

to schedule.

No scans or tests.

 

No pharmacies.

No new scripts.

No refills.

No hassles.

 

I wouldn’t have to take any

medications or

supplements

that may or

may not

help.

 

No side effects

to manage

for just one day.

 

No MyChart.

No waiting for answers

to questions that only

raise more

questions

or cause

more

angst.

 

I would be absent from

Twitter,

Facebook,

Instagram,

and WordPress.

 

The TV would be off all day.

I wouldn’t be subjected to

commercials for

Ibrance,

Piqray,

Verzenio,

Kisqali,

or the latest

metastatic breast cancer

drug.

 

I wouldn’t have to see a character

portrayed with cancer

with misinformation or

one who doesn’t match

my reality.

 

There is

always

something

to remind me.

 

A day off

would mean

ZERO

reminders

that I

live

with

metastatic breast cancer.

 

My mind

would need to be

wiped clean of my

knowledge and

memories

of having it

and of its existence.

 

Because I remember.

 

Because I am never away.

 

My only

break is

in my dreams

that aren’t real

and that are quickly

forgotten.

 

I don’t get a day off.

 

I get day

after day

after day . . .

 

And I’m still

here.

 

And I’m still

grateful.