Accepting Help

Help!

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down

And I do appreciate you bein’ round

Help me get my feet back on the ground

Won’t you please, please help me, help me

Help!

The Beatles

I need help.

I am at a cancer crossroads. Either I continue on as I am, in worsening pain. I’m managing though pain pills here and here. Last month I scarcely needed any of this. Or I can pursue a different path. A path where help is available. One where I’m not on my own. This would be the path of Agrace.

Agrace has loads of palliative support. I have not contacted them yet.

I need help getting up and down from a seating position.

I need help with food preparation. I need help eating.

I need help cleaning. I have a person for this.

I need help finding a in home massage therapist. Why, I’d sign-up with Agrace for this benefit alone. Right now I go for a massage twice a week.

I wobble. It takes me a few moments to stabilize when I stand. Then I bumble around a bit. My legs have buckled twice. I don’t want this when I’m on the stairs. I don’t want it anywhere.

Now I find I get winded walking in from the parking lot. I need a handicapped parking pass. The paperwork has been filled out. It will make my life easier. It will also take some getting used to that I need one. Today I requested a wheelchair for my PET exam. I was already breathing hard and I knew I had quite a distance to cover to get to the machines.

I need help writing this blog.

Accepting help is hard for me. I’ve always been on my own and fiercely independent.

I think of former students who were helpers. They loved helping others. Others loved being helped. As a child, I was one of these helpers. I was an adult too. But I don’t like being helped present day. What changed? Cancer. Cancer changes everything. Receiving help somehow it makes me feel lesser. Help right now makes me feel sick. But I need it to feel better.

When do I have time? This week is packed with medical appointments. There is no time to connect with Agrace. It will have to be a December thing.

A good friend reminded me of what Mr. Rogers said recently.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news,” Rogers said to his television neighbors, “my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping. ‘”

Fred Rogers

I have become one of those who need help. I hope I can still find ways to give it. We all need help from time to time. Another good friend says it’s time for me to accept payback for all the help I’ve given. We’ll see how it goes.

Is accepting help easy for you or not? Why or why not?