Van Gogh and Hope

Did the Impressionist Movement only give us artistic masterpieces and inspire other artists for years to come? Please note I use the word “only” loosely. My answer would be an emphatic NO. These artists also gave and continue to give us hope.

Vincent van Gogh may not initially stand out as a hopeful figure. He struggled with both his mental and physical health. His most famous paintings will always be his main contribution to the world. Starry Night is one of my favorites.

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Van Gogh painted Starry Night in 1889 during his stay in an asylum near Saint-Rémy-de-Provence.

Today’s post combines my love for inspiring quotes with blogging. Lately, I’ve come across several quotes from Van Gogh that have blown me away. I do not know in what context he said them or really if they were significant to him at all. I tend to believe they were significant to him based upon their content and some of his paintings. These are some of his words that have inspired me.

“Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. Then life seems almost enchanted after all.”  ~ Vincent van Gogh

Life is enchanted. It’s easy to get wrapped up in its day-to-day minutia. There’s a repeating cycle of laundry, groceries, cleaning, yard work, and for me, medical appointments. The time I spend trying to live well with cancer feels so far away from noticing moments of infinity on high. There is always something health related even if it’s a little something. Daily medications are a good example. I see my port bumping out from my chest every day. My wig. These all are routine things but constant reminders of how my life is different. Making time to recognize and take in infinity is a must because it provides balance and perspective to life in my medical world.

It also sometimes feels like everyone is so focused on their own lives that moments where we interact with one another in meaningful ways are fleeting. Stores are understaffed. Customer service has all but disappeared in some businesses. Friends are in a rush. I treasure time with them. Social media, texts, and emojis replace conversations. Living life through social media is not very enchanting. I live in this world, too. Emojis are quick, effective, and sometimes highly amusing.

Looking up at the stars reminds me how big the universe is and that all my big problems are really small. People don’t make time to gaze at the stars and wonder anymore. Unless you live in the countryside far away from man-made light, getting to see a true starry night where shooting stars are common and a person can witness infinity on high is hard. City stars are not the same as country stars. I remember a geography course for graduate credit I took in Ecuador around the year 2000. It was in the jungles off of the Napo River where darkness closed in all around me where I saw the best starscape of my life. Utter darkness met me in every direction except upwards. Stars bedazzled the dark above. I only took them in for a few minutes because we were encouraged not to stay outside very long in the blackness for our own protection. Large cats stalked unseen and unheard in the night. Yet, for a few sacred moments, I saw the heavens like never before. It stays with me as a singular moment I’ll remember forever.

“I confess I do not know why, but looking at the stars always makes me dream.” ~ Vincent van Gogh

Dreams give us hope. We wish upon stars. Stars awe us. Songs are sung wondering what they are made of and comparing them to diamonds. My dad sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star nightly to me. Starshine has always mesmerized me. If light from stars can travel trillions of miles to reach us, then can’t we also believe our dreams may come true? Can I wish to live? Can I wish to be completely healthy again? So often when we dream while sleeping, we don’t remember what we dreamt when we wake up. We can control what we dream when looking at stars and dream of what makes us happy.

Did Van Gogh say these statements before or after he painted his masterpiece? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter to me. It is more than enough that he said them because it makes me look at my favorite painting of his with more wonder and awe. I work hard to wonder and awe about life as much as possible as someone with metastatic breast cancer.

“If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.”   ~ Vincent van Gogh

 

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My attempt to create a Ukrainian egg in the style of Van Gogh.

Am I a painter? No. I am confident there would be voices other than an inner voice confirming it. Even so, I do believe in doing the thing I think I can’t do. I do plenty of new things (new hikes, bike paths, foods, small risks). I do plenty of hard things (conflict, scans, side effects, funerals). I think Van Gogh was thinking about all the opportunities we don’t pursue because we convince ourselves we can’t for any number of reasons. The negative inner voice is quelled when I take a NO and turn it into a YES. Maybe this quote of his is telling me is I should give painting more of a try. I’m up for finger painting. The swirls of color would feel so Van Gogh.

“Close friends are truly life’s treasures. Sometimes they know us better than we know ourselves. With gentle honesty, they are there to guide and support us, to share our laughter and our tears. Their presence reminds us that we are never really alone.”   ~ Vincent van Gogh

And . . .

“I wish they would take me as I am.”    ~ Vincent van Gogh
 

Friends take us as we are. Those who don’t are not friends or worth the trouble. My need to belong has always caused me anxiety. There are still times when I feel left out. Like Vincent, I wish everyone would take me as I am. I wish I could be okay with it when some don’t. The people who don’t aren’t worth my time. I’m reminded I only need to belong to myself.

“I think that I still have it in my heart someday to paint a bookshop with the front yellow and pink in the evening…like a light in the midst of the darkness.”   ~ Vincent van Gogh

Why a bookshop? He could have said a flower shop, a café, a market, a boutique, or any number of storefronts could be yellow and pink in the evening. Van Gogh also spoke of light. Reading is light. It gives joy, knowledge, and self-awareness. Reading can be a source of hope. Light is hope. Once again, I return to ideas of stars being the light in the midst of darkness. Books are like stars. Books shine light in the midst of darkness.

“Many people seem to think it foolish, even superstitious, to believe that the world could still change for the better. And it is true that in winter it is sometimes so bitingly cold that one is tempted to say, ‘What do I care if there is a summer; its warmth is no help to me now.’ Yes, evil often seems to surpass good. But then, in spite of us, and without our permission, there comes, at last, an end to the bitter frosts. One morning the wind turns, and there is a thaw. And so I must still have hope.”    ~ Vincent van Gogh

Call me foolish for I am one of those people who believes that the world can still change for the better. There is more goodness in the world than badness. There will always be more heroes than villains.

Springs and summers follow the coldest winters. Having said that, spring sure took its sweet time this year.

I must have hope. I must maintain hope that treatments are discovered in time to save me, to save everyone with cancer. I believe in targeted therapies that are matched to patients who have a strong likelihood of responding well to those treatments. More research is needed to develop more of these. Research equals hope. Hope is my driving force and motivation in advocating for more research directed to treatments for advanced stage cancers. I do my best to stay strong and healthy which feeds my hope. I do what I can to financially support research for metastatic breast cancer. I still have hope.

Van Gogh has said he wanted his work to express “sincere human feeling.” He succeeded many times over and over again. Hope is a kind of feeling that warms, intensifies, and empowers. How he captured this quality in his art so that it still evokes such an emotional response over a hundred years later is a mystery to me. He had an extraordinary gift as an artist. His art and words continue to give hope.

Immense and everlasting hope.

Individualized Survivorship

I was half listening to a show on TV many, many months back, and whatever I was watching touched on the importance of survivorship plans for cancer patients. I shifted my focus more intently to find out how these differed from what I thought of as a treatment plan. The specific TV segment ended before it began, and it never went into enough depth to even explain what a survivorship plan was other than a detailed medical plan for continued care and survival. To me, this translated that a survivorship plan was merely an extended treatment plan.

I took to the internet and survivorship plans did seem to have a very medical tilt to them. These plans looked great in that they contained all your pertinent information about your past treatments and planning for future care in one spot. They were very similar to my health journal that I take for medical office visits. For me, a drawback is they are narrow in scope where only the medical aspects of continued health are part of the plan. They are forms.

Survivorship can’t be condensed into a form.

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At the beginning of treatment, I was given a piece of paper with blanks for me to fill in with all the particulars about diagnosis, surgeries, treatments, beginning and end dates, etc. It was a fine centralized place for information at a time when life suddenly was more overwhelming than ever, but rather limited for the long haul. It remained a good reference tool.

Some survivorship plans out there are better than others. One of the better ones I’ve found comes from the Minnesota Cancer Alliance, created by Karen Karls, a survivor from Grand Rapids, Minnesota. In addition to giving space for a historical documentation of dates and treatments, it provides great questions and things to think about for follow-up care. It looks like an awesome resource. The actual survivorship plan can be found here. Pick and choose what may work for your needs since it is lengthy.

I would add to this resource additional space or pages for any continued treatments needed if you are metastatic and have need for an ongoing list that can still be somewhat at a glance to provide an overall picture. It would have medicines, beginning/ending dates, side effects, results, and an area for why you switched or for additional notes. I use a spreadsheet to accomplish this for my needs.

I want a healing plan. In my mind, a healing plan combines the medical aspects of a survivorship plan (treatment plan) and the complementary pieces added to ongoing medical plans for complete care. A healing plan encompasses all of it. As a survivor, you are the executive in charge of connecting all the dots between your oncologist, primary care provider, naturopaths, acupuncturist, massage therapist, mental health provider, and any other therapies or services you seek for better health. This sounds like the job of a patient navigator, but the role of the patient navigator stays within an integrative health care network. He or she can put you in touch with approved services within a network. As soon as you want to seek something complementary outside of the system, you are on your own. Incidentally, they also haven’t been too keen on hearing how I think a patient navigator differs from a survivor navigator, probably because it opens up too many potential liability issues. It makes me mad the kinds of wrenches that get thrown in the way of someone’s best health.

A survivor navigator is hereby decreed a new position.

It is one of great worth for which you will receive no monetary pay. You are self-employed and get all the benefits from your new position. Maybe someday health care will see the wisdom of multiple services (even if they are outside the system) working in tandem with efficient communication and patient information sharing. Research should be doing A LOT more sharing of their discoveries and resources to find a cure. It only seems logical. What is crucial to remember as your own survivor navigator is that you must communicate important details of your healing plan to relevant parties. For example, your oncologist should know if you’re adding any new supplements to your health regiment because they may interact with treatments or other prescriptions.

They also may not. I have heard “we don’t have evidence for how these herbal supplements interact with drug x” a couple of times.

I try not to roll my eyes too loudly.

Translated, it means “there isn’t any evidence because big pharma will never sponsor such a study since it may be discovered something cheaper and more available works even better than drug x.”

I doubt there will ever be any such studies. I do not have medical training and am not making medical claims. The above are my own opinions which I openly share with my medical team. You need to do your research, have relevant conversations, and make the decision that you feel is best for you. I am not a doctor.

I do know some of the supplements I take, many of which have been suggested by my oncologist, have helped my body feel better and move more effectively.

Maybe it’s too pie in the sky to think that each patient can have a personal assistant to schedule every need the patient has and keep it all straight. Call me a dreamer. I’d love to have a person like that assigned to me, but it looks like I am that person and I’m already here doing the job. Right now it’s a seed idea that has the potential to grow into something real for others. Somehow this person has to have reach outside of a provider network to connect patients to complementary resources without taking on potential risks in so doing.

Health care is better when people work together.

In education, students with special education needs have what is known as an Individualized Education Plan, or IEP for short. Every learner has different needs. The goal is for targeted instruction to each individual student. In theory, all students have an IEP, most being informal and not legally binding like an official IEP. A student receives his/her best education when teachers work together as a team for a specific learning outcome. A healing plan is much like an IEP in that it’s individualized to the individual.

People are working together for a specific health outcome.

Think of it as a personal Individualized Health Plan, or IHP to stick with the acronym pattern.

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I have a lot of people and strategies in my corner supporting my best health. So much is crammed into that corner that it’s spreading out and filling other spaces and other corners. For me, this is a good thing because of the many options it provides at my disposal. I have developed a strength as an advocate for my own health that continues to evolve. If I relied solely on the medical realm, I would have limited myself to a very narrow scope of what is available. Components like a naturopath, acupuncture, and energy work receive a very luke warm reception so I steer clear of those when having specific medical discussions. Fitness, nutrition, meditation, and science-backed inquiries get more attention. People accept and believe different things are effective. Your healing plan will be individualized and fluid, just like you. Mine sure has changed over time. Use your best judgment and you will develop one that feels right for you.

A brief note: My last few posts have focused more on the medical side of my life as a cancer patient. I’ve chosen my words deliberately and have tried to convey that I support my doctors, nurses, and everyone on my team that cares for me. I fully support them. I have not expressed myself well enough if I have fallen short in conveying that message. I have also chosen my words carefully to make my voice heard as a patient. Being an involved patient doesn’t mean I am against the medical profession. Sure, there are things I would like to see change. It’s a huge motivator as I write specific posts. The idea that doctors and patients work together is key to all of it. I strive to work with them and find the best way for that to happen. An individualized health plan is part of what can help everyone work together. Health care is better when everyone involved works together.

 

Consider responding:

  • What do you feel are the most important parts of your individualized health plan?
  • In what ways have you advocated for yourself in terms of health or something else?