Write What You Know

To write what you know is one of the biggest nuggets of writing advice that comes from authors. It doesn’t matter if the writer is published or unpublished, well-known or obscure, or a beginner or someone highly established. Writing what you know allows the writer to draw upon personal events where details can appear more naturally and make the writing feel more authentic. This advice applies to so much more than just events. We feel a wide spectrum of emotions ranging from euphoric to gut wrenching as we live through these events. Writers know emotions and must write those emotions. I believe this is why we get hooked with a story we feel has nothing to do with our lives. It isn’t the mob lifestyle or unspeakable events from Nazi Germany during WWII that pulls readers into a story. We identify with characters who feel what we feel.

As a teacher teaching second graders, this often meant I read lots of informative pieces on playing with pets, narratives of a summer trip where a flight was as exciting as the destination, and realistic fiction stories about camping, sports, or school. Most kids have fairly similar experiences coming from the same geographic area and being so young. The joy of writing, experiencing success, and becoming more independent writers were always wide-ranging goals in any piece. I wanted kids to write what they knew. Writing about what they didn’t know was a blank page.

It’s the same with me.

As a reader, I look to sources who are experts. Mitch Albom. Sue Monk Kidd. Brené Brown. I go back to favorite authors as well as whomever I’m reading at the moment to reread passages and examine what made them effective. I read like a writer. I love words and storytelling. Even when reading fiction, I understand authors research their topics to make stories credible and realistic. Many factors make writing come alive.

I ask myself, as a writer, what do I know?

Cancer

Unfortunately, I know too much.

My mother had uterine cancer that was successfully removed through surgery. It gave me an early example that disease would always be caught early and without much inconvenience. I recall a couple of years later telling friends she had been diagnosed with breast cancer and that it was going to be harder but that she’d be okay. It was harder. Mom had a partial mastectomy followed by chemotherapy and radiation. I became an expert on her health and breast cancer knowledge. Information was power and I wanted to understand all of it. All was good for years. Golden years.

And then it wasn’t. She wasn’t.

Looking back, I’m not sure if she cared for all my pearls of wisdom that I’d learned. I likely was annoying. It’s very different when the shoe is on the other foot and you have been diagnosed rather than a family member. I want my information but have a bit of an inner attitude when someone who isn’t an authority drops false information at my feet.

My metastatic breast cancer diagnosis came about a month or two later on the heels of hers.

There is a lot I could write about from my experiences with cancer with my mom and from my own. I haven’t mined memories of it with my mom because of the pain. I don’t feel as much pain with my own. I’ve found it to be cathartic and a home to give voice to the pain and whatever other truths need speaking.

Others write from a very factual perspective of their experience. Expert background experience support their writing. They write from legal, medical, patient experience, and personal experience perspectives. Others share raw emotions and reactions to what’s happening in their lives through poems and deeply personal reflections. I tend to write about cancer from the lens of what happens to me and my thoughts about it. Factual information gets sprinkled here and there as it impacts my chosen subject or theme. We’re all invited to sit a while with these perspectives and stories of shared experiences.

Write what you know. I know cancer.

Feelings

Emotions were mentioned at the top of the piece. We all experience universal feelings. Fear. Despair. Loneliness. Humor. Love. Hope. Spirit. A small event of forgetting music at a piano recital can pack some huge emotions of not feeling supported, being humiliated, and hearing your parents lie to you about your achievement. It’s still a tough memory for me. This story can be more powerful than a story that retells a death in the family that is void of emotions. Emotions and feelings spill over in writing because the goal is for someone else to understand and connect with what was written. When I think of a common quality that’s at the core of favorite books, or dare I say even things I write, is the desire to be understood. We crave that as writers and readers.

Feelings are our emotional truths.

Stories of good times on Grandma’s farm help me preserve memories that I want to remember. Her home is a strong example of how emotions create the writing. I took a photo of her farm from out in the field one winter. My grandma, dad, and mom were all warm inside visiting after our Sunday meal. I wrote about how the people I loved were in the photo even though I couldn’t see them as part of an assignment in college. Later, I wrote a poem about it. Years later, this house is in disarray. Raccoons have taken over and hauntingly walk on keys of the damaged piano in the night. A cousin’s son and his wife moved onto the property into the more modern home across the drive when they married. They see the old house as dilapidated and scary (I do too) but more of my emotions are grounded in Sunday visits, time with Grandma, and playing with the farm cats. I sent my cousin’s son a copy of the poem so he could see the abandoned house as a home for a few brief moments.

Write what you know. I know my feelings.

Experiences

Small experiences can have big impacts. I remember winning a cake at a cake walk when I was about six and it was the first thing I ever won. It was a carrot cake with nuts. I was allergic and unable to eat it, but I had won something and felt special. Memories playing at the playground across the street fill many childhood memories. Camping in Girl Scouts. Family vacations. Being bullied. Never knowing if you really fit in. I remember holding my dad’s hand in the ICU and watching it shake trying to find mine after one of his heart surgeries. I have entertaining experiences throwing dinner parties, both fun and disastrous. News of a good scan. Not so good news. There are arguments and celebrations. Little events make a life. Although short, this brief list weaves together experiences with emotions. Most are waiting to be written.

Hope isn’t an experience as much as it is a belief. This belief has been a driving force in some of my experiences and many of my thoughts. Links are provided if you’d like to go back and read past posts. Hope is what I know.

Hope, Belief, and a Monthly Planner

Doom Dibbling or Hope Harvesting

Write what you know. I know my experiences.

Teaching

I know a few things about teaching after twenty-three years in the classroom. Best practices in curriculum and child development have come and gone. Co-workers and students have provided so many stories that you can’t make up. Classic one liners that still make me laugh. One year each child reminded me of a different breed of dog. I loved that class. One year there was a child who had some obvious unidentified emotional issues but who could work quite successfully under his desk. I loved that child as challenging as he was. Another year there was another child who inched her way closer and closer to the door and thought she was hiding. She was a character. I remember mistakes I’ve made like working with glitter as part of projects. I could write about lockdown drills. There is endless material. I can remember where I stood when I learned my dad had died. I know where I was when I got the call that my mom had taken a turn and the end was near. I can bring up the moment where a friend told me she was pregnant. The day I shared with my students I had cancer and couldn’t be with them is still fresh. So many nonteaching things happen within the walls of a school. The things we’d hear if those walls could talk.

I was happy teaching. At times I was frustrated. I felt successful, secure, and safe. Teaching was home.

Write what you know. I know teaching.

I’m not the only one who knows these things.

What do you know?

Cancer Haiku

Haiku is a form of Japanese poetry that usually is about nature themes. It’s written in three lines of five, seven, and five syllables. I find it a beautiful way to create images and stir feelings. Writing it has made me a stronger writer because I must be concise with a finite set of syllables. I often find myself walking around thinking in syllables. I have broadened the scope of my themes when I write haiku to take on personal experiences as I live with metastatic cancer. I offer glimpses into my heart with a bit of that imagery and feeling I’m hoping comes across in seventeen syllables. The more I write, I better I get. I hope you connect with them in your own way.

I answered the phone

the voice said you have cancer

and everything changed

but you look just fine

you can’t be metastatic

you do not act sick

tears on my pillow

tears and sobs in the shower

tears behind a smile

chemo in my veins

chasing after cancer cells

killing good and bad

you’ve stolen my hair

my eyes have a lifeless look

I’m pale, weak, and scared

scars on the outside

reflect little of being

scarred and scared inside

we can land on Mars

and urgently make vaccines

we can’t cure cancer

who is this person

who stares back in the mirror

she looks familiar

the dreaded scanner

I lie inside motionless

hoping for good news

nervous in a gown

waiting for fate to unfold

in the next minutes

we need more research

and more effective treatments

to save those we love

cancer spread elsewhere

is known as metastatic

and cannot be cured

wicked cancer cells

how did this happen to me

how is this my life

cancer side effects

suck everything out quickly

that helps us feel well

sleepless once again

I lie awake unable

to dream something else

positive thinking

balances hope and science

when you have cancer

spring turns to summer

my next season is unknown

I live in the now

petals on a rose

lovely and soft and alive

how long will you stay

bad thoughts creep inside

my heart about when and how

that I push away

dying is rebirth

to where our souls remember

and feel love and light

Cancer and Faith

Cancer makes faith and religion harder for me. I’ve always questioned and still believed. I haven’t wavered on what I consider the big things and feel each of these main points is clear enough to stand on their own. I am firm on these aspects of my faith:

• There is a God (or universal being, higher source, energy).

• God is love and God loves all of us.

• Religion is not God.

• Faith and religion are not the same thing.

• I am a spiritual being having a human experience in a body.

• Our purpose is to be happy and to help one another.

• Heaven is real.

How does cancer muddle faith and religion?

  • Many of these reasons overlap one another. Many people live by believing God has a plan, a plan for them, and that cancer must be part of His plan. Buying into suffering and cancer as God’s plan contradicts my belief that God is love. God doesn’t want me or anyone to suffer. He doesn’t want misery and unhappiness. Cancer isn’t good. It isn’t a blessing. It isn’t part of a plan or grand design. It steals, destroys, and kills. Cancer isn’t God or part of a plan.
  • People beat cancer because God is on their side. Ooooh, this boils my blood. This implies those who die from metastatic cancer are somehow Godless. They didn’t pray hard enough. Their faith or belief wasn’t strong enough. No, no, and no. I pray. I have faith. Would this waver when cancer recurs or returns as metastatic disease? What did they do wrong? Nothing.
  • People can pray away cancer. Nope. Here’s one that overlaps with God being on someone’s side. Prayer is powerful. Miracles happen. People pray and still pass. God didn’t need one more angel. When people say they pray for me, I have to wonder what specifically is in their prayer. Is it that I don’t suffer? Is it I have more time? Is it that effective treatments are matched to me so I have a complete response? Is it for a miracle? Some of these prayers can contradict one another. I don’t want anyone’s prayers unless they align with my prayers and goals for health and life. Maybe it’s just something some people say and they don’t follow through with the prayer part.
  • People with cancer must have done something wrong and have gravely sinned. Honestly, I don’t hear this one too often because of the company I keep, yet I know there are groups of people out there who believe such nonsense. They aren’t my people and I believe there is something fundamentally wrong with their belief system if this is something they believe.

How can God exist and cause such suffering and pain?

I wish I knew.

A good friend and I have an ongoing discussion on the existence of God and why bad things happen to people and in the world. She questions a lot more than I do and has become agnostic over the years through watching her father pass from a long slow decline after a stroke and other health issues, and seeing her mother hidden inside a body ravaged from Alzheimer’s disease. She knows what I’ve gone through losing my parents. She’s been there for me as I live with metastatic cancer. Events in the world eat at her belief like a parasite. There is too much suffering for her to believe God exists. She looks to me and I confess I have a tough time refuting her arguments. I don’t think I’ve helped her, and I struggle not to have my own beliefs erode.

What can I say? How can I reconcile God’s existence and why bad things happen?

The internet hasn’t helped me at all. Lots of Bible verses surface. If someone already questions belief in God, these are hardly helpful. I keep a journal of quotes from many sources that support my beliefs. Bible verses are included in these. I tend to use broader examples from everyday life and the world. Furthermore, not everyone is Christian, and there are many other good fits for someone looking for the right home for their beliefs. Attaching a label to your beliefs doesn’t do much for me anyway. I’m more of an action-based gal.

My belief is not up for debate. I know where I stand with God. I believe. My prayer life is good.

Cancer doesn’t even need to be the problem, the plague, or the evil applied to my reasoning. Replace cancer with COVID. Use the January 6th riots on the Capitol, the violence, and the attempted coup on the US government as your lens. Take terrorism, racism, poverty, homelessness, domestic abuse, destruction of the environment, lack of mental health resources, drug abuse, natural disasters, or something else when thinking about why bad things happen. Does saying God has a plan work here? How about God being on someone’s side (the wrong side) when these bad things happen? Did people get what they deserved due to some grave sin? Of course not. It doesn’t hold up.

Somehow saying God has a plan when someone is diagnosed with cancer or dies from cancer is supposed to comfort people. It’s the exception to the above scenarios. It’s unsettling, uncomforting, and not an exception.

I’m going to keep something incredibly complex as simple I can.

Bad things happen because

• of others’ actions (free will).

• of our own actions (free will).

• of natural disasters (nature).

• of imperfect science (imperfect bodies / science).

• of unknowns (unexplained).

The unexplained is where GOD comes in. Some things are not for us to know. Why do we think we must understand everything? We are only humans and God is divine. This is where it gets a little sticky because it’s the central question. GOD is an unexplainable entity. We use words like crimes, tragedies, disasters, and accidents to explain horrible events.

Good things happen because

• of others’ actions (free will).

• of our own actions (free will).

• of nature (nature).

• of science (research / science).

• of unknowns (unexplained).

The unexplained is where GOD comes in. Some things are not for us to know. Why do we think we must understand everything? We are only humans and God is divine. We use words like miracles, blessings, gifts, and destiny to explain wonderful events.

The reasons are the same. Our language and perceptions change. Our language is the construct. Faith isn’t based on facts or language. Belief is the real deal.

How do you explain love? How do you explain a soul? Why did we develop brains that allow us to feel compassion, sadness, and joy? How do you explain consistencies across time and cultures throughout history and present day that all have similarities in worship and a higher being? Yes, I have lots of questions and I believe.

We are here having a human experience – we are more than our bodies. That’s what it means to BELIEVE.

God comes down to belief.

Thank you for reading.

Falling Sky

When the sky falls

It falls directly above me

Chunks of space left above me

An empty howling nothing that shouldn’t be there

An empty howling nothing

Pulling and waiting

Fissures fracture across the blue like fault lines on the ground

Foreshadowing where the next piece may fall

Sky falls when you hear the words

You have cancer

Lots of sky falls

Scans confirm it’s already metastatic

Another piece plummets

So much information

Type, subtype, hormone receptor, Her2Neu

Each a piece of forever lost sky

Cancer words hurl pieces of sky

To the ground in a show of gravity and force

Grades, mutations, invasive, lobular, ductal

More pieces

Stages

Chemotherapy

Lymph nodes

Trials

Genetics

Genomics

Treatments

Survival benefit

Bigger pieces fall

You barely notice because

Of the doom that distracts while closing in

Like a dark night of your soul

Metastatic

This piece hits like bricks

You’re never the same

Everything changes

Forever scarred

Inside and out

So many deaths

Each their own portion of fallen sky

Grandma, Mom, Pete, Jim, Becky, Susie,

Bobby, Karen, Marge, Kim, Lalay, Lindsay,

Meghan, Melissa, Heather, and so many others

Whose names do you remember?

Speak and give them voice

Irreplaceable sky fallen with each

Loss through death touches our souls forever

Like a shadow that never leaves

Or a coldness in the yellow warmth of sun

So many scans

Tiny tubes of skyless holes

Confining, enclosing, lifeless

Sky falls waiting for results

Slingshots take aim at clouds

We ourselves knock out chunks before we hear

News of regression, stability, or progression

Pieces of blue get patched and repaired with good news

And then fall again in bigger chunks with bad news

until they can’t be put back

Some things can’t be put back

Including the fallen sky

That won’t see sunrise or sunset again

Skies fall in countless ways

Some spoken and some silent

Skies drop cruelly with metastatic cancer

Piece by piece

Chunk by chunk

Section by section

Assaulting, assailing, and attacking

Erasing, eroding, and emptying more and more

Stealing, silencing, and stilling before our eyes

A persisting and prevailing powerlessness causing pain

For more than just the haver

Cancer kills

Murders

Slays

Massacres

Cancer carnage concealed in common language

Of either succumbing or statistics

What’s being done?

Where’s the urgency?

Why can’t it be solved?

When will all be saved?

How will we get there?

What’s being done is our voices

Speaking and shouting

More and more

We will be seen

And not silenced

More research slowly unfolds

More action and faces

More is needed

The urgency is the estimated 43,600 breast cancer deaths

For 2021 in the US

119 a day

Up 3 from last year

The answer is more resources and research

More advocacy, attention, and connections

Better treatments, more trials, more collaboration

Growing bigger one life at a time

I don’t know when all will be saved

I hope, I cry, I push, I pray

I keep going

I still don’t know

No one does

I don’t know how

But believe one day

Cancer will fall and be no more

Just like those pieces of falling sky

The sky has always been one of my favorite things

The endless blues

The different hues

The starry nights

The paint of sunrises and sunsets

The clouds floating freely wherever the wind takes them.

Still moments and morphing shapes change before our eyes

My home is still under its dome

Hope is in the sky

Let’s keep our eyes steady on the hope

Of today and all our tomorrows

And not those pieces of sky that fall

They will sadly keep falling

And I will look up to find

Handfuls of hope

Patches of blue

Where I can

Above

Cancer Perspectives

Years back, I had a student I will call Paul. Paul greeted me cheerfully every morning and most days made me smile easily. He was a chatterbox, an average student, and enjoyed being at school. He was there for the social aspects and needed redirection to work independently, but he’d always tell me learning was very important. He struck me as a happy child because he could find the bright side in just about anything.

At some point during that school year, Paul lost his enthusiasm. School wasn’t where he wanted to be. He was unusually quiet and wouldn’t open up. There had been a few more behavior issues surfacing. It was a puzzle until the morning I logged on to my school email and found an angry email from his mother letting me know Paul had been hit in the face during class. She included the principal in the email as well, citing concerns her son was being bullied at school both in class and on the playground.

Had Paul been hit in the face in class? Sadly, yes. I was there when it happened and already had it processed and worked through with both boys. Enter a boy I’ll call Ali. Ali had poor impulse control, and like Paul, could be easily distracted. Now, it doesn’t take long for mutual distractors to connect with one another in whatever ways they will. What was interesting in this situation was that Paul had positioned himself right behind Ali during a cooperative class activity. He was holding one of Ali’s arms behind his back and wouldn’t let go. Paul also left that part out of his story when he reported the story to his mother.

So, Ali slugged him.

Paul let go.

Every player had a different perspective of these events. Paul’s mom was seeing a pattern that worried her and she was advocating for her son. She knew if she threw the word bullied into the conversation that it would have considerable traction. It always does whether it is an accurate description of events or not. I wonder what she would have thought if I suggested Paul actually had bullied Ali because of repetitive issues between the boys. I didn’t ask. No need to stir that pot.

The principal had more of a three-tiered perspective: support for the child, positive communication with the parent, and supporting how I responded to what happened in the classroom. He knew of the other incidents that involved playground events and some reoccurring students.

Ali’s perspective was reactive. He often didn’t think before he did something. I imagine he was thinking something along the lines of, “Why is Paul grabbing me? It’s my turn in the game. Let go!” Pow. Problem solved.

Paul had a couple points of view. He knew what would get a response from home, and he genuinely was not feeling accepted by peers. He wanted friendships, but ironically had unsuccessful interactions which achieved the exact opposite of what he intended. He felt picked on. I never really learned what happened on the playground, but I’m sure it factored into his feelings. In his mind, all these things together made him feel bullied.

My teacher perspective was one where I was just baffled by Paul’s motivation to grab Ali’s arm like he did in the first place. I was equally baffled with Ali. Who just hauls off and hits someone? I guess someone who feels like they are being restrained for no reason.

Reality is often intangible. Each of us has our own reality as we perceive it, each through our own lens. The same event affects people differently.

The same is true with cancer. Cancer affects people differently. There is no right. Each person perceives cancer from their own viewpoint. Those who are back to whatever normal is after an early stage cancer diagnosis and treatment see cancer very differently from those with metastatic cancer. Some with metastatic cancer call themselves survivors, thrivers, metsers, cancer havers, lifers, or warriors. It comes down to the individual. Caregivers, family, oncologists, and nurses all offer their own unique perspectives. Media in my opinion gets it wrong more than they get it right because their goals for a story don’t often match mine. Breast Cancer Awareness Month and the repetitive emphasis on pink and awareness rather than research and action is a perfect example.

How others with Stage IV cancer view those of us who have survived longer than the 2-3 year median is another area of differing perspectives. I read something recently where someone felt that those who shared longer survival times were being cruel to those who weren’t likely to experience more years. I’ll hit nine years in a few months. I see those who share longer survival as symbols of hope. I look to those who have 11, 15, and over 20 years living with metastatic disease.

It’s all a crapshoot. It all sucks. I recognize it may be difficult to read news when you may not be doing well. Sometimes it’s rough to read news of stable scans or NEAD when mine are not. It can be hard for me to share news when things are going well because I know others don’t have those results. I usually don’t share much news publicly. And yet, I don’t see sharing such news as being cruel. Good news is always good news.

One viewpoint I have a tough time accepting is the natural or alternative approaches to treating cancer. Modern medicine is always going to be my frontline plan. I do believe in complementary therapies to support my health. There was someone early on in my diagnosis who reminded me more than once that I chose the chemo route to treat cancer. Did she think I didn’t know? What exactly was her point? I was well aware that I chose science over crazy. I may eat my kale and turmeric, but I’m of the opinion I need treatments with more medical substance. I’m here because of them.

There are those with cancer who may want to talk about how things are going and medical results in great detail. Some people are an open book. A patient (total stranger) in the treatment waiting area once told me all about his medical treatment plan and then proceeded to stand up and almost take off his t-shirt to show me his burns from radiation. I hadn’t asked, couldn’t stop him, and got myself an eyeful of awful. He was all about sharing. To each their own.

Over the years of living with metastatic breast cancer, it has been especially challenging not to let negative comments from family members and well-meaning friends fester away and gnaw at me. Some people at times are just awkward with me. How could the same person ask repeatedly if I missed teaching? Maybe it was dementia or just awkwardness on their part. My “prognosis” used to be brought up often by another. A friend or two has become distant. Look, I’m living and out in the world accomplishing things I wouldn’t be if I were working full time. It strikes me as really uncaring that others try to stick me in a place they think I am or remind me of what a textbook has to say about me. Occasionally, someone “reminds” me that I have cancer. I’m not going to forget. It’s with me every day.

The Blind Men and the Elephant is an Indian fable about six blind men who encountered an elephant but did not know what an elephant was. They saw it by feeling it with their hands. Each felt a different part of it. One thought the elephant was like a pillar by feeling its strong leg. Another disagreed and thought the elephant was like a rope because he had touched its tail. The third, who had touched the elephant’s trunk, insisted an elephant was more like a thick branch of a tree. The man who had felt the elephant’s ear thought an elephant was like a big hand fan. The fifth blind man thought an elephant was like a big wall from touching its belly, and the last, who had touched the elephant’s tusk, said an elephant was like a solid pipe. All of the men insisted he was right and they loudly argued.

Along came the king who didn’t like all the noise. He told the blind men they all had different experiences but were all right. After the men understood the true nature of an elephant, the arguments ended, and the elephant transported the men away.

We are so like the blind men when we let only our experiences form our perspectives. And of course, how could it be any other way? What is important to keep in mind with the parable and with life is that people approach situations from different perspectives based on different versions of reality. Cancer is a pretty big whopping elephant and gets perceived in countless ways.

I may not agree with how everyone chooses to share or specific ideas about cancer. I know not everyone agrees with all of my thoughts. That’s okay. I believe we still can support one another and can learn from each other. There is room for all of us at the table to share our experiences.

And I won’t slug anyone if we disagree.

A Review of 2020

2020 won’t fade soon from our memory and never from history. Too many events were put into motion that will continue to play out for years to come. I suppose that’s always what happens. Some events have already had major impacts on our lives, whereas others may scarcely make a dent in the grand scheme of things. Big and small, this is my look back at 2020.

Nationally and Globally

COVID-19.

All anyone could talk about was COVID, COVID, COVID. Sound familiar? To frame it with numbers, almost 330,000 have died from the virus in the United States as of December 26th according to data provided by the CDC. That number is a staggering reminder of what will be carved forever in the rock that is 2020. I know a handful of people who have had the virus and almost all had mild cases. I am fortunate no one I’ve known has died from it.

Everyone knew who Dr. Fauci was and recognized him as the voice of science and reason throughout the pandemic.

Toilet paper and hand sanitizer became hard to find items. Shelves in stores were bare for months.

Too many people watched and got addicted to Tiger King. I did neither.

John Krasinski gave us hope in his segments of Some Good News.

Many passed the time baking sourdough and banana breads. These and other forms of baking provided comfort in a tangible way to our lives.

Earth had a chance to breathe when the world shut down because of COVID. Fewer cars on the road improved air quality. People used their cars less since many were unable to work or they worked at home. We all win with a cleaner planet.

Zoom. A word that can stand on its own.

People staying home more had some negative outcomes. The unemployment rate reached a record high of 14.7% in April. A rate of 6.7% in November has been the lowest since before the shutdown.  As a comparison, the U.S. ended 2019 with a rate of 3.5%. Many businesses permanently shut their doors during the pandemic.

The Summer Olympics set to take place in Tokyo were canceled and moved to 2021.

Black Lives Matter demonstrations took place across the country to protest police brutality and racially motivated violence towards black Americans. The deaths of Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Rayshard Brooks, and Daniel Prude were a few of the deaths that caused unrest nationwide.

A fly landed on Mike Pence’s head during the only vice-presidential debate before the election and stayed there for around 2 minutes. Kamala Harris effectively and firmly told him she was speaking when he repeatedly tried to interrupt. She was speaking.

Mississippi voted to remove the Confederate flag as part of its state flag and replace it with the image of a magnolia blossom.

The U.S. held a presidential election. It affected people nationally and globally just as COVID did. Donald Trump will be leaving office. Joe Biden decisively won the popular vote by over seven million votes (81,283,485 to 74,223,744 votes) and the electoral college (306 to 232) and will be the 46th president. Kamala Harris will be the first woman vice president and the first woman of color to hold that office. The election was held on November 3rd and results were shared on November 7th. It took days to count the massive number of mail-in ballots.

The first healthcare workers in the United States received the COVID vaccine on December 14th.

The world lost many well-known figures in 2020. I apologize if I’ve left someone out you feel needed to be included. It means I am less informed than I would like to be and their name didn’t provide instant recognition. It doesn’t diminish their life contributions. There are always too many who have moved on. The world said goodbye to these well-known individuals:

Don Larsen 1/1

Jim Lehrer 1/23

Kobe Bryant 1/26

John Andretti 1/30

Kirk Douglas 2/5

Orson Bean 2/7

Ja’Net Dubois 2/18

Katherine Johnson 2/24

Roger Mayweather 3/17

Lyle Waggoner 3/17

Kenny Rogers 3/20

John Prine 4/7

Little Richard 5/9

Jerry Stiller 5/11

Fred Willard 5/15

Carl Reiner 6/30

Hugh Downs 7/2

Nick Cordero 7/5

Charlie Daniels 7/6

Kelly Preston 7/13

John Lewis 7/17

Regis Philbin 7/25

Wilford Brimley 8/2

Chadwick Boseman 8/28

Ruth Badger Ginsburg 9/18

Helen Reddy 9/29

Eddie Van Halen 10/6

Sean Connery 10/31

Alex Trebek 11/8

David Lander 12/4

Natalie Desselle Reid 12/7

Chuck Yeager 12/7

Charley Pride 12/12

If you lost a loved one this year, I am so sorry for your loss.

Effects of 2020 on My Life

I momentarily backtrack my comments to 2019. My 2019 was wonderful. I felt fantastic. I accomplished a lot and brought about many good things in my life. I’m always hesitant to start a new year because there are so many unknowns. It was the same way at the beginning of 2019 but I knew what I had by year’s end. I now know what 2020 has held for me.

My only vacation of 2020 turned out to be a quick trip down to Chicago to visit my friend Emily in early February. It was the calm before the storm. We ate in restaurants. We enjoyed the Shedd and walked around wherever we pleased while the penguins were confined. It turned out those penguins got out more than I did this year. We shopped in stores and touched merchandise we didn’t buy. My glasses didn’t fog up because masks weren’t on anyone’s radar. I could hug her family. It was a magical time.

The entire world was given an extra day of 2020 on February 29th with Leap Day. I don’t think it was needed, but we got it. John Mulaney hosted Saturday Night Live that night and delivered a monologue that I’ve listened to an absurd number of times because I’ve needed more laughs this year. It holds up and is still funny each time I hear it. Give it a listen.

March 13, 2020 was the last time I was social before the initial lockdown. My friend Holly and I were planning on going to Wicked on the 15th. It deteriorated and I bowed out because I couldn’t justify putting myself in a crowd that size for hours. I insisted she take the tickets. She had changed her mind about going when she came to pick them up for reasons of her own. We went for a short walk. The show wound up being canceled so no one went.

Then came the lockdown. I remember thinking a two-week lockdown was not a lot to ask. I thought it would be a little longer. It became clear pretty quickly that it was going to last much longer. Much longer became a lot longer. It was tough as the season changed from summer to fall that it was going to go into winter and into 2021. Here we are almost ten months later.

A good chunk of 2021 will be spent as a continuation of 2020. But I get ahead of myself. Back to 2020.

The biggest events for me personally were turning 50 years old, running my first 5K, and raising over $60K for metastatic breast cancer research. All three were connected. I am proud that I surpassed my fundraising goal. I’m overjoyed I was able to complete my run. My birthday was happy through and through.

Minor events make our lives. I made a batch or two of banana bread. I saw the Neowise Comet in summer. I set up a card table and draped it with a lace tablecloth to host friends for card making and pancake breakfasts. I began having breakfast each morning on my sun porch where I listened to the birds and let my thoughts wander. Other friends came over and we chatted on the backyard patio once or twice. I kept writing steadily. I spent time outside when it wasn’t too hot. I took neighborhood walks when my feet felt okay. Everyone scooted well out of the path of one another with a smile and a friendly wave. I took a lot of photos over summer. That took me into fall where I planned day trips to see old and new spots in Wisconsin and enjoy fall color. Workouts and book club kept me socially connected through Zoom. Meaning and joy rest just as much in the small things as they do in the big things.

Easter, July 4th, and Thanksgiving were celebrated on my own. Christmas too.

On November 10, 2020 . . .  I did a real push up. This is monumental. I’ll be honest . . . I did three. I did not go down very far, but I could get back up and I’m counting those. I achieved my goal of exercising every day this year. Some days were minimal but required more effort when I wasn’t up to it than days when my workout was more intense. What I considered my best depended on how I felt. I did my best every day.

My hair is longer and grayer than it has been in years. Thinner. I’m thankful to have any of it thanks to cold capping. Since these things all go together, I hope the lengthy and gray locks continue to grow.

I still have metastatic cancer to no one’s surprise. My health fluctuates between fair and fantastic depending on my mood, how much I worry, treatments, and time. I’m still here.

I remember people couldn’t wait for 2019 to end and be rid of it fast enough. My 2019 was a rather glowing shade of wonderful. I hoped 2020 would be the same. I understand the desire to move on from 2020 to 2021. Time marches on and we always hope what’s ahead of us is better than what we have at the moment. But each year, even if it has events that bring us to our knees, hopefully also has had a moment here or there where we’ve risen up and basked in the sun. May 2021 have more moments in the sun for everyone. I end my 2020 review with a prayer I found that encompasses every good thing my heart wants for all of us.

New Year’s Prayer

As the dawn breaks on a new year, let us give thanks for all we hold dear: our health, our family and our friends.

Let us release our grudges, our anger and our pains, for these are nothing but binding chains. Let us live each day in the most loving ways, the God-conscious way. Let us serve all who are in need, regardless of race, color or creed.

Let us keep God of our own understanding in our hearts and to chant God’s name each day. Let us lead the world from darkness to light, from falsehood to truth and from wrong to right.

Let us remember that we are all one, embracing all, discriminating against none.

May your year be filled with peace, prosperity and love. May God’s blessings shower upon you and bestow upon each of you a bright, healthy and peaceful new year.

Rev. Marcy Sheremetta

May 2021 be kind to you and yours.

Always.

What I Did Last Summer

Spring was lost.

Summer was lost.

Uneventful days passed.

Life inched by like a snail going nowhere.

COVID has consumed six months now.

Six months gone.

Mostly alone.

Gone forever.

And yet I look at the good.

I can’t help it.

Good is always around.

Also forever.

One place I found it was in flowers.

Repetitive days of solitude

And safeness

Drew me to nature.

My camera my paintbrush.

Flowers my canvas.

So many patterns and colors

From 6 inches away.

Wonder

Beauty

Life

Joy

Summer was not lost after all.

A world covered in flowers is not only beautiful but a reassuring constant.

These thoughts formed as I thought about what I did over summer. There were a couple momentous events that I celebrated because birthdays and related plans still happen in pandemics. Most days were quiet. There was a lot of sameness and not much to shout about. I viewed medical appointments as chances to socialize a bit. My trips to the grocery store twice a month held high excitement.

My photos visually reflect what I did last summer whether I puttered about my back yard, paused to take a photo while walking in the neighborhood, or found myself in a favorite nature setting.

Patterns and colors in flowers captivated me this summer.
Everything about this makes me feel happy. The bright vibrant color. The layered petals. The petals slowly unfurling and still emerging from the center. It is a world in itself.
Floating flower art feels very zen.
Blues and purples are a soothing combination.
These colors remind me of a sunset. I marveled at several of these and found all were slightly different, just like every sunset.
This succulent reminded me of glazed pottery. I’m pretty sure it follows a Fibonacci sequence.
Bee balm attracts so much life. Watching its visitors has brought many happy moments to my summer.
Every flower has a story. I am one flower sharing mine.