To Be An Untamed Cheetah

Glennon Doyle thinks about life differently from the mainstream population. I think I understand one or two basic ideas about life. Then I read her book Untamed, and she turned them upside down. 

Recent books I’ve read have been a topic of posts lately. This book reminded me that being untamed, even a little untamed, is the way we are supposed to be all along. The chapters are often short segments of storytelling where she makes her point through metaphor. Her style speaks to me as I often use narrative and metaphors to craft my writing. She gently encourages and inspires as she writes, sharing her story and thoughts with readers. There is a lot that resonated with me in Untamed.

One of those ideas is how we become adults and take our chosen place in society. It’s a chosen place we’ve dreamed of, worked hard for, and understand what our role is to be. Glennon draws a parallel between this life and a cheetah at a zoo who has been trained and tamed to mimic a dog rather than act like the cheetah it is.

She defines being tamed as meaning you have made yourself fit. We have been conditioned by the people and life around us. We have learned how we are supposed to act and feel rather than be act like our cheetah selves.

I took my place as a teacher and understood that I was seen as a teacher outside of the classroom as well as in it. Not being wild and crazy, I fit the persona well. Nurturing, well-liked, respected, and all the other positive qualities you would want to assign to a teacher. Underneath all that, there was also an expectation that you would not openly challenge authority too much. It contradicted teaching children to question and think critically. I didn’t challenge anything too much until I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. It became clearer over time that I didn’t need to (and couldn’t) make myself fit. I do believe age and growing older also causes changes in our confidence and how we see life. I was able to behave more like a cheetah.

Women behave more like cheetahs as we age. Society wants to call us cougars. That label portrays women only one way. No, not sorry – we’re cheetahs. Get out of the way.

Women especially have been tamed to fulfill certain norms that are outdated and antiquated. We take care of others first. We may not reach high enough. We accept put downs from one another. About a month ago I listened quietly as women commented on young women who would never marry or have children because of metastatic cancer. Well, I’m no spring chicken, but there I was with no hubby and no children. The comment wasn’t meant to be hurtful or even apply to me, but that tamed part of me silently took it in rather than roaring. I’m tamed.

She goes even farther with a personal story to emphasize how unhealthy it is deny yourself permission to live how you want. Glennon described the time when she had neurological Lyme disease and was sick for two years. She couldn’t function and spent the majority of those two years in bed or swallowing pills. She felt better when she visited a friend living in Florida and it was then she understood she needed to stay there. Not only did she need to stay there, she wanted to stay there because she always had loved the beach.

We shouldn’t need a brush with death to learn how to live.

We always should honor our true selves.

In many ways, living with metastatic breast cancer has given me that permission to live more truthfully. I won’t say it’s allowed me to live as I want because I don’t want to live with all the suffering and uncertainty that accompanies cancer. I wake when I’m rested most mornings rather than rolling out in the dark to an alarm that sounds way too early. I don’t put in extra hours at a job I love just to feel like I’m barely keeping up. I don’t put myself last. Instead, I have time for me. I can take chances to do things that before cancer I would never have dared. When it comes down to it – no one cares and no one stops me.

We all need to live how we want.

Glennon Doyle wants us to shake things up a bit. Maybe a lot. She writes a lot about learning to be brave and become true to yourself. Our purpose is to live authentically and fully.

Here are a few ways I’ve seen myself becoming untamed:

• I’m an active and vocal participant in my medical care.

• I say NO more often.

• I have control over my own show and I like it. I can get a lot done when I can envision a goal and fully pursue it.

• I ask a lot more questions.

• I express my opinions more often.

I haven’t been to a zoo in a few years. The closest zoo to me doesn’t have a cheetah exhibit. Of course, all the animals are confined. They are there so humans can see wild animals. None of them behave as they should. They are tamed in the Glennon Doyle sense of the word.

Cheetahs are symbols of patience and intensity. As a spirit animal, they remind us to prioritize and set goals. I want to let my inner cheetah run wild. I want to move stealthily and quietly to get what I want.

Ah, to be a cheetah is to live more untamed. I will be more unleashed, uncaged, and even more wonderful than I already am.

My Most Protective Option

Choosing my most protective option has lately become a repeated refrain for me. I find myself comparing choices as I deal with a smaller world for myself and what I am able to do with limited options available to me.

In a school setting, teachers always followed the principle of providing the least restrictive environment for students with special needs. I came back to that idea time after time in work with special education teachers and instruction for students. I want the same type of tried and true standard for the circumstances I now find myself in as I shelter at home. The least restrictive environment would do nothing for me. Heck, the least restrictive environment would place me out and about without a mask in large crowds with strangers. What I needed was the exact opposite of the least restrictive environment. The most protective option fit perfectly. It fits every decision I’ve needed to make so far.

Medical

Being in the same room with my oncologist is preferred. I have been open to visits over the phone and video style because it mainly seems I have little choice. I could hopefully see her if I needed some type of physical interaction. If I’m choosing the most protective option, I must go with a remote visit. I may feel differently after a few months. Telephone and video have limitations. Eventually, the most protective option may be to see her in person as it may yield results that you can’t get without contact. Meeting face to face could eventually be more protective as circumstances vary.

My treatments have continued as scheduled. An army of gatekeepers and temperature takers await me at the uncrowded hospital entrance. Hallways are unnaturally empty. No one waits in waiting rooms and people are sent to their treatment bays immediately. I wait there alone. The nursing staff is cheerful even though they wear masks and protective face shields. I was not happy with the answers I received about how many days (yes, days) they were asked to wear the same surgical mask before getting a new one. That is most definitely not the most protective option for them even with a face shield. Protecting myself involves that those I have contact with are also protected. I do not want to be overly critical. I do want everyone to stay safe. I’ll follow up with a few more questions at my next visit.

Groceries

Getting groceries has evolved into quite a process. March 13th is the date I started social distancing and staying at home. Wisconsin’s Safer at Home order took effect on March 25th.  I could still shop during the first hour of business assigned as a courtesy time for the elderly and those with underlying conditions if that was my only option. It would still put me in a public setting. My other options are delivery or curbside pickup. I haven’t been able to nab a delivery time. Instead, I focus on getting a curbside pickup timeslot every two weeks. Slots open up online one week in advance at midnight. They are gone within minutes. I am sleeping and hopefully lost to my dreams at midnight, except when I need to reserve a grocery time. One night after I reserved a spot, I noticed all the available times were gone within ten minutes. It has gotten even more competitive since then. Last week they vanished within three minutes. Three! I am not sure exactly how many are offered each day, but the demand is much higher than the supply. I am thankful I got one and that for now I have figured out what I need to do in order to get what I need. Things change quickly. I just learned the window opens up at 1 PM rather than midnight. Time will tell if that switch makes ordering even more competitive.

I admit it also makes me sad that grocery shopping strikes me as a cut-throat world. My oncologist advised me to take this route as a way to keep myself and others I may come in contact with (like her) healthy. This is something I can do for me and for her. I feel some guilt in taking a spot that is in such high demand. I can stretch items and plan menus so I am more than comfortable shopping every two weeks rather than shop every week. At the same time, I need this service as much as someone else, so I must do what keeps me safest. It’s my most protective option. I will choose it every time.

Reserving a time involves multiple steps. Getting the groceries into my home adds several more. Items come out of boxes (cereal, protein bars, yogurt) so I don’t need to bring boxes into my home. Plastic items get wiped down with Clorox. Blueberries, blackberries, and other small fruit are taken out of their plastic containers and put into glass containers. I dunk foods in soapy water and rinse them. There is a sanitized and not sanitized half of my counter as I unload items. My groceries have never been cleaner. It’s exhausting and insane. Right now, it’s what I do thanks to a viral YouTube video.

Hair

When my hair grew back in 2013, I was done with coloring it. It could be natural. I was firm about it. I had to staunchly defend my choice to one or two who couldn’t understand it even though it had nothing to do with them. There’s always a critic. My hair was beautiful. A silver curl framed my face in a striking spiral. When it grew back in 2019, it was a lot grayer than before. I felt so old and felt I looked washed out. My wig was a much younger look and I liked what it did for me. I chose to get on board with coloring again and that was that. I certainly never thought a situation would unfold that would prevent me from getting my hair done. I have hair. I have quite a lot of hair. It is ironic that I can’t get it done or go anywhere. Who knows where I’ll be on the cancer road when stay at home lifestyles finally are no longer necessary.

I took matters into my own hands and colored my hair on my own. I ordered some that was free of parabens, sulfates, phthalates, and ammonia. It didn’t sound like it was too hard. The directions were straight forward enough. The company had videos to watch. What could go wrong? The only places I go are to my oncology appointments and to pick up my grocery order. No one sees me so now was as good of a time as ever to try something new. Chalk it up to a massive need to feel in control, but there is a bit more to it. I wanted to feel good about my appearance. Perhaps that sounds vain. Having hair that looks decent goes a long way for this metastatic breast cancer patient who wore a wig for three years. I want to keep my hair and I want it to look good, even if no one sees me. I see me.

Inconveniences vs. Problems

Rabbi Steve Leder appeared on TODAY with Hoda & Jenna earlier in April. He offered excellent advice on perspective and encouraged people to distinguish between inconveniences and problems. Not being able to go to a restaurant is an inconvenience. Having bad hair truly is an inconvenience. It sucks but it doesn’t make it less true. Not being able to breathe and needing a ventilator is a problem. Not having any food or a means of getting food is a problem. I need to remind myself that what I am experiencing personally through this so far have been inconveniences. I may shed a few tears as a way to deal with my feelings, but my issues remain identified as inconveniences, not problems. You can listen to the brief interview here.

Choosing my most protective options will continue to guide me in the days ahead. It offers a solid way for me to evaluate choices and make consistent decisions. It removes my feelings and provides me an objective format. Hopefully, it will make tougher decisions much easier because the safe choice is usually an obvious choice.

It won’t help me figure out if I should bake chocolate chip cookies or brownies. This isn’t an inconvenience or problem. Neither option is more protective than the other. Perhaps my litmus test doesn’t hold up in this situation.

Luckily, I know what I must do.

The Choices We Make

“It is our choices that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”  ~ J.K. Rowling

It’s been years since I’ve read a Harry Potter novel. Oh, how I loved them! J.K. Rowling created a fantasy world so real. The lasting relationships she developed through her characters based on trust and truth still set examples today for relationships I seek. The themes she wrote about through fiction resonate as powerful truths.

J.K. Rowling has fallen off the Forbes Billionaire list due to charitable giving. It’s a clear choice that reflects her beliefs and core values.

I’ve thought a lot about the choices I’ve made and how those choices have shown me what/who I truly am. I make many choices. Some surely have been mistakes. My culinary fiasco of brownies with spinach puree did not work. What was I thinking? Fortunately, I’ve made health related choices that have gone better for me.

I choose to exercise daily.

I choose to be positive.

I choose to surround myself with people who focus on joy.

I choose to focus on self-care.

I choose to see myself as healthy.

I choose to live with a Stage V mindset focused on unrelenting wellness.

Read more about Stage V in an earlier post if you missed it or need a refresher.

These choices have shown me that I am responsible for my reactions and decisions. We all always have a choice in terms of how we react whether those choices are based on health, comments or the behaviors of others, or whatever unexpected twists and turns life takes. We all have our stuff. We get to choose how we walk with that stuff. We each need to be intentional with the choices we make.

My choices have taught me how to live more fully and to focus on what I feel is important. The person I truly am is a person who is still a learner, discovering new truths about myself, and doing my best each day to be healthy and live with joy. I also have perfected making dark chocolate brownies straight from Betty Crocker. If brownies somehow define what I am, I cannot argue.

So be it.

Please comment: What choices have you made that really make a difference in your life?