Love Letter to My Future Self

A writing prompt is often given to write about what you would tell your younger self. I think the idea is an older and wiser person could reflect on the insecurities that never came to fruition. Maybe it’s an opportunity to focus on all the positives that have come to pass. As we age, we learn about what matters in life, where we find joy, and experience a stumble or two we’d like to avoid if given the chance. We don’t get to go back in time for do-overs. My younger self would feel doomed if I told her she wound up with metastatic breast cancer at 41. Wouldn’t she have the opportunity to change it? She sure tried. She/ we/ I had diagnostic mammograms for years in our 30s due to my mother’s breast cancer. It wasn’t enough. Cancer was missed. I know when I think this happened. I was dismissed and told not to worry when I was sweating profusely. Major sweat blobs. I think my lymph nodes were blocked, but I’m not a doctor. Iffy mammograms were followed up by ultrasound and I was always given an all clear. I can’t go back. Telling my younger self to be proactive wouldn’t help.

I was proactive.

Looking back at what could have been “if only” doesn’t provide comfort. The past is unchangeable. I think all of us feel a certain invincible quality when younger and that bad things can’t touch us until we are much older. Quite simply, it’s unbelievable. Our lives stretch out indefinitely in front of us when we are in our twenties and even our thirties. Our lives are finally just beginning.

So instead, how about standing where you are now and advising your future self? Now there’s an interesting prompt. It creates an opportunity where you can pause and dream about goals. I find myself looking back and forward. There are some logistic factors that don’t jive well. My future self would already know what happened in present time. Well, the metastatic breast cancer is out of the bag. I am wiser, know what matters to me now, and what brings me joy. For a few moments, I set my modesty aside as I think about my future. Here is what would I like to say to the me ten years in the future.

Dearest Kristie,

How did you make it to your 60s? I’m not sure, but know intention is something you carried with yourself day by day and projected into the future. Hope and sheer belief are part of it. Somehow you kept going.

You’ve been through a lot over ten years, but you’ve come out better for it.

Life is good.

As you know, you’re still awesome. People appreciate your perspective and wisdom. You are still a trusted ear where others share their private thoughts. Your sense of humor still makes many smile and laugh.

I’m proud of you. You never gave up belief that you could go into long term remission. You continued to give back to Carbone Cancer Center. They listen to you, sort of. You’ve supported their research. You’ve spoken publicly at various functions. I am glad you are working for others in hope they have the same outcome as you. You are a driving force.

I know you’ve worked hard. You’ve had hundreds of treatments and endured even more side effects. You’ve submitted to so many tests and scans so you would have information to plan what’s next. You’ve swallowed supplements and medications that have improved how you feel.  You rejected norms, medians, and negativity from Day 1. You’ve embraced exercise, therapy, affirmations, and surrounded yourself with those who are supportive. You’ve even tried a few crazy things. You’ve worked on having fun and staying hopeful. You made plans. You worked hard.

You look outstanding!

Seriously girl, how do you do it? Cancer ages a person and it did on the inside. Lots of physical things happened on the inside that made you an old lady. And there was a good year during the COVID pandemic where your hair and outward appearance took some punches from tough chemo. Oh, how you loved your yoga pants! You still can’t decide if you’re more gorgeous with white shimmery hair or the more youthful brownish red from the magic bottle. Keep up the good work. You are beautiful.

You still help others. You have found a way to connect with children again and share the love of learning and thinking. Besides being happy and healthy with a few people that love you, it’s really all you ever needed. Hold on to it tightly.

Keep holding on to belief and hope. Never abandon these. They will always serve you well.

I know there are readers who are thinking I’m delusional in writing about my life ten years from now. Researchers can’t put their finger on why some survive for decades with metastatic cancer. What if it’s pure denial? What if it’s the delusion and the denial that got me here? Denial has its merits. I’ll do me.

You are loved by many, including yourself. You’ve tried to return that love to others.

Much love,

Kristie xxx

A favorite photo from spring

This is very similar to another writing activity where the writer sits down, envisions the future, and writes about life ten or twenty years from now envisioning it as well as it possibly can go. There are connections to taking an active role in your life rather than a passive one, setting goals and planning, and daring to dream. I completed this activity about five years ago. It is filled with some very concrete ideas. Retiring with a full retirement package came true much earlier than planned. I was on medical leave, so the writing was on the wall. Writing was mentioned, blogging was not. I’m now well into my third year blogging.

I hope you make the time to write yourself a letter and tuck it away for a decade or so. Time flies. Don’t wait. Happy writing.

Always.