Largeness

The Book

I highly recommend The Book of Longings by Sue Monk Kidd. It is a fictitious novel set in biblical times about Ana, the wife of Jesus. She is the main character; Jesus is secondary. It does contain historical content, but it isn’t preachy. It focuses on Ana and women’s power, or lack thereof, during this time. I chose it for book club and our discussion was layered and went much longer than our usual time.

Largeness is one of the book’s themes. The reader sees this in the opening pages when Ana reads a prayer she wrote inside her incantation bowl:

 “Bless the largeness inside me, no matter how I fear it. . . . When I am dust, sing these words over my bones: she was a voice.”

Ana was privileged to be a woman who was educated and knew how to read and write. When her marriage was arranged to an older man whom she didn’t love, she was told all her scrolls would be destroyed and she wouldn’t be allowed to write once married. She hid most of her scrolls, leaving lesser ones to be destroyed. I loved her daring spirit. Ana spoke back to men and even argued with them. Against all laws and expectations, Ana took papyrus from someone who betrayed Herod Antipas (also an enemy of hers) and she declared it a parting gift bestowed on her for her departure. The others called it stealing. She caused trouble often. Her intelligence and the fact that she was always underestimated saved her often.

Many attempts were made to silence Ana because she was a woman in a time where women had no power. She lived with great passion during a time, place, and culture where females were silenced. Jesus recognized that Ana was an equal. He didn’t try to silence her.

Way to go, Jesus.

Ana and Jesus separated about halfway through the book while still being married and devoted to the other. Jesus planned to focus on his calling and ministry. Ana needed to flee to Egypt because her actions made it unsafe for her to stay in Galilee. When they were alone together on the morning Ana departed, Jesus looked deep inside her and said, “I bless the largeness in you, Ana.”

She responded, “And I bless yours.” 

This is a simple but remarkable exchange between the two characters. If you’re reading in a hurry, you’re likely to miss it. Where it seems natural for Jesus to recognize the largeness in Ana and know that she has to go boldly to Egypt, Ana’s reply is stunning. Her largeness, her voice, to offer a blessing back to Jesus as an equal, speaks to her confidence and how she sees herself in the world.

Ana’s largeness takes hold in powerful ways in Egypt where her intelligence, abilities, and courage emerge even more. Her largeness and voice shine the most in this part. I fear I have already given away too much, so I will stop and urge you to read the book on your own.

My Own Largeness

The Book of Longings returns to the idea of the largeness within people. Questions in one of the reading guides include: How do you conceive of your own largeness? What inhibits it? Do you agree with Yaltha (another strong woman character) that passion to bring forth largeness is more important than the largeness itself?

First of all, yes, I agree that a person needs passion in today’s world to bring forth their largeness. Finding one’s authentic voice and using it is how I define largeness. Being heard and being a voice challenge each of us. Whether we teach, write, create, solve, research, parent, or something else, there are a lot of voices out there. As a teacher, presenting reading objectives involved daily passion and larger than life moments where backing up ideas about characters with evidence was the most important thing at that moment in time. When I switched hats to writing teacher, including details, actions, and dialogue became the large idea I made ten times bigger to be effective. Number sense and understanding the beautifully logical world of math was a passion with math. Passion and largeness overlap together.

Thinking about my largeness as a teacher holds some contradictions. There was some stifling by school policy and things like class size, standards, curriculum, assessing children, and evaluation of teachers. There were only so many minutes in a day but the expectation that everything got done was constant. I also look back and see my classroom as a home of learning and fun. I had thousands of books. Read aloud was my favorite time of day where we could just relax. Each child brought something special and made our collective whole magical. There was an intangible largeness that I brought there every day. Beliefs about learning and learners, the relationships with children, and what I transformed the classroom into each day are large ideas in action. Small accomplishments became large. Work, perseverance, revising, continuing to use your voice, teaching and learning with purpose, knowing your why, and having fun all contribute to the largeness I remember teaching.

Those teaching days are gone. Where does largeness live for me now? Over the last few years I’ve really come to not care what others think and I might as well do what I want and what I feel needs doing. I don’t have to explain as much to others. There were rules and expectations that I was to observe as an educator and in my family. I’m far from revolutionary or extreme, but I am much more of a badass now that there is freedom from regulations I don’t have to follow. I can ask a school board member what exactly he means by “restoring order” in the classroom because his perception of order may be different from one that has a little disorder but lots of learning happening. I can be as blunt as I need to be when at an office visit or treatment because what’s happening affects my body. Largeness now leaves less rules for me follow.

Rules can prevent largeness.

Cancer Connection

Where is my largeness in the cancer world? In my own way, I use my voice to make a difference for others, to bring awareness, and a bit of light to the world. It’s small, but I still reach people. I blog, I have fundraised, and I’m a patient advocate where I receive cancer treatment. I use social media to continue to grow my largeness. I feel larger with the friends I have made in that world. We share our largeness and our voices for a common cause.

How has cancer tried to silence me? Even though I have largeness, I often still feel invisible with metastatic breast cancer. The multiple ads on TV show thrivers who look amazingly healthy. I’m paler than usual and have lost my glow. I look and feel old. I know MBC isn’t always visible on the outside. But I also know there are a lot of ways we are hidden from the public eye. I’m starting to mull over an idea for October largeness where those with MBC post brave photos where we clearly are not at our finest as part of a reality campaign to raise money for research for metastatic breast cancer. Stage IV always needs more. It may not be pretty, but it would be loud and LARGE.

Maybe I should get a billboard. That sure would be loud and large.

For myself, as I read thoughts from those living with cancer, there often is a common thread from some that they better get out and do something worthy (large) while they have the chance. I have stepped boldly into new roles with my writing efforts, sharing my photography, and through fundraising and patient advocacy. I’m always working to improve my fitness. I’ll continue those and whatever else presents itself along the way. Like Ana, we all want to have been a voice and be heard long after we’re gone. For me, I think my words, my writing, have the best likelihood of my voice being heard and staying large.

In yoga, the thriver pose makes yourself large. How fitting. Your arms are stretched out to the side and lifted above your head to the sky. You literally make yourself as large as you can and feel your power while you breathe. It is good to take up more space.

I will take up as much space as I can. I will use my voice.

Author: Kristie Konsoer

I've been living well with metastatic breast cancer since 2012. This blog is a place where I can share thoughts and ideas on cancer, how I feel perceptions of cancer must change, and how I am finding a way to live with strength, hope, meaning, resiliency, humor, and hopefully a little wisdom.

7 thoughts on “Largeness”

  1. I used to have a subscription to Guideposts Magazine around 2000. I remember enjoying many of the stories that she had published in that magazine. Thanks for that memory.

    Keep on writing or doing what ever it is to express yourself. and most definitely use your voice 🙂

    Like

  2. Such a great review and also a wonderful book. I was raised in a traditional Christian home in many ways and was never given the freedom to look at the Bible or other texts from different perspectives. Having left most of those traditional limitations behind, I appreciate these historically relevant differing perspectives even more. Thank you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This book fascinates me. I have post-its on so many pages. The author’s note at the end of the book I found especially interesting. I will keep thinking about how I can take up more space in this world. Much to do!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. What a thoughtful piece of writing and how incredibly insightful to weave your own largeness into the many facets of your life. I’ve called it expansiveness. My inside is expansive and it grows larger with each new day, with every breath, with every step, with love. There’s so much love in your story. So much of your largeness is full of love and I can hear it as I read, I can hear your voice, your accent, your wry humor, your fears, your relationship with cancer, your grief, your anger, and your pain. But what I mostly hear is your love – and when you reach out in your yoga poses it’s almost like hugging the universe and taking in all that love as you reach out to hug everything you love in return.

    The book is so interesting – i have not read any fiction in almost seven years now, it’s like I’m afraid to waste my time but story is so important to express what’s otherwise in express that I question my emotional response to fictional story especially given I’m an English and philosophy major – the authors take on Womens voices being silenced intrigues me most. Women were and still are to a lesser extent, silent, and confined to the home for so long. Now we’re allowed to speak, although many men would like us to kindly shut up, we are Pandora and this is the unboxing of the voices of history told in our points of view.

    It’s said history is written by the winners. What about herstory? It’s largeness is so vast and expansive and full of love and the empathy and emotional composition that mostly women use to make sense of the world.

    I’m so grateful for the largeness of your loving voice. You inspire me, Kristie you really do.

    I love you!
    Ilene

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! I didn’t know I expressed all those things in my writing! This book ranks right up there as one of my favorites. I read both fiction and nonfiction. Fiction has a way of expressing truths that nonfiction can sometimes miss.

      We will keep speaking up and using our voices.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Good point. Maybe I need a little escape too. Drop the documentaries and the audio books and all things Cancer or related and let go a bit. I don’t need to birth a paper at the end to be graded. Good thinking, my friend.
        ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

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